Minister? Me?

From the suitcase?

2012-02-14T10:00:00.007Z

"Can you unpack that, please?"

No, not a box or a suitcase, but a comment, an idea.

Sorry, but when did we start unpacking ideas? Do we neatly put them in cardboard boxes to be brought out when needed? What happened to "could you expand on that?" or "could you explain that, please".

Unpack? Only once I'm back from a trip away, if it's all the same with you, thanks.

Talking or listening?

2012-02-13T20:41:00.000Z

I can't believe how quickly my first placement is passing. In many ways, it seems only yesterday I began. In others,it feels I've been there for years.

Only yesterday I managed to talk o a couple of ladies I haven't talked to before. I've seen them at church and said hello, but haven't talked really. And it was great - to hear their stories, to share their thoughts, to walk a tiny wee bit of this journey with them. And they seemed to really appreciate me taking the time to talk to them (well, actually, to listen to them). It's not a hardship, I enjoyed this. n these circumstances, it's something I'm good at. Don't know how or where I picked up this skill, or should I call it a gift from God? Of course I should, as that's what it is.

So, it strikes me that a lot of the minister's role is listening to people. Be it chatting over coffee after the service, a quick word on the way out the door, visiting a parishioner in hospital or preparing a funeral, it's all about listening to people's stories. Hearing what's said (and, is often the case) what's not said. It's taking the time to care and share in their lives. Wow - that's an amazingly brilliant, yet daunting prospect. And what a privilege to be allowed into people's lives. To be able to walk with them, in their happiness and pain, as Jesus would walk with them. I am his ears and legs and he needs me to do this walking for him.

God cries

2012-02-09T20:45:00.000Z

Matthew 18:15 is praying on my mind - “If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offence. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back.".

Isn't that so much easier said than done. It's easier to brood over a hurt, letting resentment build up and relationships break down. It's easier to say it "like water off a ducks back", when really it hurts. It's easier to assume the rational for another doing something and not giving them the right to reply or put things right.

And then relationships are broken rather than healed. People are not restored to one another. God cries as he sees his people suffer when he's told us the way. Have the balls to say to someone "I didn't like the way you said that." or "you really hurt me when you said...". Yes, it takes more balls to deal with the situation as Jesus taught than to keep hurt and pain and resentment to oneself. And God cries.

Church for all or some?

2012-02-05T09:02:00.000Z

I was talking to a friend the other day about inclusiveness. Apparently there are churches where their focus is on the LGBT community (maybe I live in the wrong place, but is it?!) and we started talking about if you focus on one group, that stops being inclusive.

For me, inclusiveness is that. For all. No one singled out, whether for age, gender, sexual orientation, race, background (need I go on?) etc. It is about building up a community of people who are brought together to worship God and serve him. A group of people who are united in Christ. Everything else fades away.

Now, that is not easy. I appreciate that. I'm not even sure exactly how I'd achieve this, though I think trying to talk to a broad range of people as part of my ministry (in and out of placement and uni) helps. They get to see God values them through me being with them and listening to their hurts, laughter, joy and pain (well, I hope they do).

Yet, I look at many churches and what do I see? A group of people from the same backgrounds, with similar incomes, opinions, educational levels etc. I look at them and think if I was a seeker, someone looking for God (in the shed, definitely in the shed) and that was the church closest to me, but I did not fit into that social world, would I go? Probably not. But I have my own transport and can pick and choose where I worship. That is not an option for many. Then the church fails in its duty to welcome all and be the body of Christ.

Somehow, given this has been something which has bugged me as long as I can remember, I think this is something which will form part of my ministry. I pray for the gifts to make it a true reality.

Out of the mouths of babes

2012-02-04T17:35:00.000Z

A genuine conversation I overheard to day:

Mum: "I think I'll just try this cardigan on".
Daughter (around 10 years old): "That would suit Gran"
Mum and I exchange looks, where Mum has an expression of "Well, I won't be buying it now".
It was all I could do to stop myself from laughing.
Needless to say, Mum did not buy the cardigan!

Unitary constitutions

2012-02-02T08:48:00.000Z

There seems to be a lot of churches moving towards having unitary constitutions. While I understand the reasons for this (less meetings; reduction in duplication of work; church trustees dealing with decisions etc), I have been concerned about how the change will impact on non-elder Congregational Board members.

The unitary effectively does away with the board and any business which was their remit (such as finance, property, fellowship) becomes the responsibility of the Kirk Session (I am going for a really basic overview here, so bear with me). There will be members of the board who, for what ever reason, are not members and, as such, not on the Kirk Session. Thus, they could attend Session meetings - they are public after all - they do not have a voice and cannot vote. While on the board, they would have these privileges.

So, how does a church, especially the session and minister, ensure the board members feel valued once their role goes when a church moves to a unitary constitution? I know there is the option of asking them to become elders, but not everyone can or wants to do that.

Is the movement to less meetings really a benefit (and I am playing devil's advocate here) if those who contributed well and effectively in one way are no longer included in decisions they were before (and may have been for years).

I'd imagine there's the possibility of asking former board members to be on a session committee and there they can be a part of the decision making process. When the matters from that committee are to be brought to the session, they attend to support the motion (or whatever) and be there to answer questions if required, much like the people who helped draw up stuff for General Assembly being there when it's presented, yet not having a vote. If done in the right way, this could benefit the whole church; handled badly and...well, that's not a very good sign of a church.

I hope, when I eventually get to the stage of these meetings, I can ensure all can contribute with what they can give and feel that contribution is valued, no matter what type of constitution the church uses. Mmmh, I think I'm reiterating another post...

God loves my enemies

2012-02-01T08:58:00.000Z

I recently read Desmond Tutu's "God has a dream". It's a lovely short book written by a man for whom I have a great deal of respect and admiration. [I remember, seeing a news report when I was 7 or 8 - yes, I watched the news and read the papers then, I was a strange child. Desmond Tutu was the spokesperson for the boycott of South African goods. When my Mum went shopping I wouldn't let her buy things from South Africa, because Desmond Tutu said so.]. There was so much I could take away from the book. It's a positive, affirming book. So remarkable given some of what Desmond Tutu lived through.

I was especially struck by the phrase "God loves your enemies too". It's so obvious, yet so startling too. Of course, if God loves everyone, he loves people I struggle to love, who have hurt me or my family and friends in the past. Why that hadn't fundamentally occurred to me before, I have no idea. I suppose it was there, at the back of my mind (or should I say heart) somewhere.

I also found the expression so liberating. It makes me look at those who are my "enemies" (I use the phrase guardedly as I'd like to think I don't have any real enemies, just people who I need to show grace too better) in a very different light. How can I not? God loves them in the same way as he loves me. It is only right I attempt in all I do to show the love God has for me to those I struggle to love, as I am doing it for God. They are my neighbour and, as Jesus taught, I should "love my neighbour as myself".

It's not easy putting past hurts and let downs away. Sometimes it's necessary to open up wounds again to really get rid of the festering mess within and no one wants to do that, as the short term pain could be too great. Yet, I will try in all the ways I can to bring healing where I can and where God calls me to be. I am not perfect, not by a long shot, but I do try to love the Lord my God with all my heart, mind and strength. Loving my enemy is just part of that, I believe.

Getting watched

2012-01-31T08:31:00.042Z

I led the whole service at Eagleside on Sunday. This is the second time I have done so there, but this time I was really being watched. There was the speech trainer from 121, spotthegerbil and my Mum. Most people thought I'd be especially worried about the speech trainer. Nah, much more pressure Mum being there.

But anyway, this is my professional reflection on the service, so lets concentrate on that.

My theme was a combination of the ordinary made extraordinary and everyone having a calling. Generally, even I couldn't believe how well it went. I'm not perfect - far from it and still have so much to learn - but I'm definitely improving. And that's good. I'm training to learn my style, find my feet and improve - if none of that happens, then I am doing something very wrong and would not be engaging with the process. I've also now listened to the service, which is a useful and disturbing thing! I probably pick up on much more than even the most critical ear would from listening to myself!

I engaged well with the children and, taking on board criticism I've had for my last service, tried to extend the teaching point more. I hope I got the balance right there, but I don't want to tell them so much that there's nothing for the Young Church to tell them. I also feel I dealt well with the children who were going away with the talk (and some of their insight was brilliant - out of the mouths of babes). It's good to know they are starting to feel comfortable with me, as I am with them.

My prayers were well delivered, but the speech trainer thought I had strange pauses. Not convinced I agree with him and, as the delivery is similar to that I have used before at Eagleside which was encouraged and affirmed, I might just agree to disagree on that point.

During the sermon, I generally had a good range of tone and pace, but not too much that people would loose me. I did have a couple of asides which, to be honest, were more me thinking out loud and may not have been picked up very well. Need to be very aware of that and try to engage brain with mouth, which can be easier said than done sometimes! Some of my intensional asides didn't get a flicker of recongition from most of the congregation, but then I do have a very particular sense of humour. They are used to humour in the service, but mine is much more dry than my supervisors. Won't be so bad once I've built up a relationship with a congregation.

I tend to have notes as a comfort and, especially on Sunday, I didn't refer to them too much. I still need practice at this as there was a point where I might have sounded like I got myself in a fankle, but took a deep breath, sip of water, glanced at my notes and moved on. At least having full notes for the prayers and sermon (yet not for the children's address - maybe there's something in that?) allows for that. It also gives my timings, as I know roughly how long I am going to talk.

Due to nerves, there were a couple of words I stumbled over. Funnily, I picked out different ones from the speech trainer. Generally, though, I was very clear with good diction.

The service did come together as a running theme, I feel. That is something I think it so important. As I've said many a time before, there's nothing worse than the children's address haveing nothing to do with the rest of the service. In those cases, I've tended to think it's like patting the children on the head before we get on with the real service!

All the hymns were quite long, which I hadn't really thought about when I chose them. May be worth keeping that in mind for future. That said, a member of the choir did thank me for choosing "such lovely hymns" fo them to sing. Glad to be of service!

Oh, and getting back to the sermon. I really couldn't believe what was going on. There I was, all passionate and animated at some points. Where did that come from? I remember thinking at the time. Of course, it's the holy spirit, but good grief, I never knew I had it in me! No, I didn't thump the pulpit! I'm not that way inclined!

So, overall, it went well. Still things to work on and be aware of. But I need those things so I never, ever get complacent.

And a closing word from a member of the congregation. "Sometimes I forget this is just the start of your training. You're very good. We're had probationers here who haven't been as good as that". Wow, looks like I have a gift. A wonderful gift from God. I pray I use it well.

Let them help

2012-01-30T20:45:00.000Z

Anyone who's regularly read this blog (which I an always amazed that others do actually want to read my random opinions on a range of matters and my struggle and joy with this call God has given me, but I digress) will know I have a bit of a thing for social justice.

Now, I'm not talking about letting people away with not contributing to society - far from it - I am a great believer in helping people give what they can not what the society thinks it needs. Take church as an example. There's often voluntary vacancy comes up (and it's usually voluntary, that's the nature of the beast) for someone to take over doing a job that someone has done for ages. The people looking to fill that vacancy expect the new post holder to do exactly what the other person could do. Someone comes forward who can give something, but it's no as much or a different thing from what has come before. Sometimes, here's little room for compromise or looking at what the person coming forward has to give, even if is not perfect.The person rejected and their gift left unwrapped. They my even be put off attempting to step up to the plate again, all because people just see want the don't have to give, rather than don't.

Now, quite how I'd tackle this in "real" ministry,. I don't fully know. I'd hope I'd always find way to use people who want to help, in whatever way. I hope I'd find a way to use their skills and encourage others to do likewise. Through that, I'd hope to give those who think they may not have anything to give the opportunity to see they have so much they can give and more. So, they feel valued and important and that they are contributing to society, in their own small way,

An American Doctor

2012-01-29T09:43:00.000Z

When you get a group of geeks talking, the conversation will get onto their fantasy scenario regarding a sci-fi series or film. In the pub last night, we started imagining who would play the "quintessentially English Doctor", if it started from the beginning as an American series.

Coming up with male actors wasn't too hard (I know, I here you cry, but the Doctor is often played by a relative unknown, but this was our game and our rules!). Thinking of female actors was a much harder. This is the list friend Chris forwarded me. It's pretty much what we discussed:

Doctors
-------
John Lithgow - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001475/ As 2
Kevin Spacey - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000228/ As 9
Jonathon Frakes - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000408/ As 3
Dean Stockwell - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001777/ As 1

Chris Evans - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0262635/ as 5
Jim Parsons - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1433588/ as 11
Edward James Olmos - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001579/
Joe Pesci - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000582/ as 7
Christoph Waltz - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0910607/
John Cusack - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000131/

Non Actor Tom Merrit - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_Merritt

Assistants
----------
Kim Pine - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0683467/
Allison Mack - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0532928/
Jewel Staite - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0821612/
Cote De Pablo - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1580243/
Pauley Perrette - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005306/
Sara Gilbert - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0004960/
Joan Cusack - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000349/
Charlize Theron - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000234/ - who I think would make a brill baddy too!

Non actor Molly Wood - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Molly_Wood

Other Enemy
-----------
Dean Stockwell - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001777 - I thought he'd make a great Master, having seen him in the new Battlestar Galactica, where he plays the most menicing of the Cylons!
Philip Seymour Hoffman - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000450/

Other Friend
------------
Bruce Boxleitner - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000310/

Unfortunately, most of our suggestions are sci-fi actors already (nothing like type-casting!), especially with the women.

I'd also suggest James Stewart as a Doctor, Humphrey Bogart as The Master or The Doctor and Katharine Hepburn and Mary McDonnell as assistants.

Well, the way The Doctor is going of late, maybe a US reboot is needed (oh, I never thought I'd say that!)...Feels like the 80s all over again.

By the door

2012-01-20T08:47:00.000Z

After I've lead worship, I will wait by the door of the church and greet people as the leave (that doesn't make sense, but you get the idea). I do this because that seems to be expected of me.

But why? Why do ministers wait by the front door of the church as the congregation leaves? Where does that tradition come from and what purpose does it serve?

Perhaps it's an opportunity for members of the congregation to give feedback, but most feedback I've received has been over tea after the service or at other functions. Yes, there has been a little at the door, but people feel under pressure not to "hold up the line", so comments are very brief, usually.

Waiting by the door feels a little self-serving for my liking. Yes, I want to lead worship well and hope and pray that enables people to get closer to God, but I don't want people to feel they have to praise me, however subtlety, while they leave.

When I have an opportunity to be a member of a congregation, I personally find it awkward when I have to leave by the door the minister is waiting at, as I feel I have to think of something to say and, often as not, just say good morning (or, as I am a bit anal, good afternoon). It's not very useful for either party, but few people (myself included) want to be critical, generally. If I feel awkward about it, I think I am not the only one.

So, do I have to do this. What are the benefits to the congregation, not me, the congregation? If they'd rather just leave without having to shake hands with the minister (or me), why don't we just let them? Or it there something really, really important I am missing?

Shut down

2012-01-18T09:04:00.000Z

In support of the Wilkipedia/SOPA protest, this blog will be closed for 24 hours.

Managing?

2012-01-16T11:01:00.000Z

This placement seems to be going well. I'm learning a lot (though I am very aware I have a lot to learn); the congregation are warm, friendly and encouraging; my supervisor is approachable, understanding and willing to let me try. For a first placement, I couldn't have done much better, really.

Uni also seems to be going okay. My tutorial and essay marks have been good. Exams marks won't be published until the end of this month, so there's a little more waiting until I can breath a sigh of relief that that's all okay, though I'm sure it will be.

Yet, despite all these positives, I can't help but get over this "what am I doing?" urge. It's not a doubt of my call, more a will I ever be able to do this ministry thing well; will I ever be properly prepared?

I suppose, in fact I know, I don't want to get complacent and think I'm just going to swan through the whole process. That, IMHO, would be disasterous for me and any church I was expected to lead. I need to be stretched and challenged and helped and encouraged. I feel that's what is happening to me and I know it is necessary for my growth in order I may serve well.

Just can't get the "you chose me, God?" thing out of my head. He definitely has a sense of humour, that's for sure!

Love hurts

2012-01-09T19:10:00.000Z

A member of my home church phone Spot and I last night. It was good to hear from them, even though it was sort of business related, at least initially.

Unfortunately, her husband is very ill. While talking about how he was, she was clearly in tears and I was struggling to keep my emotions in check as I didn't want to upset her anymore and I know she's trying to keep it together for him. In many ways, I felt this was like a pastoral conversation, as much as a friendly one. It gave a small hint (and I can't emphasise this enough) of some of the things I will carry with me in ministry. As I get to know a congregation more, I will share their laughter and tears. Their pain, sorrow and joy. I will be told things no one outwith the family has been told and be let into their lives in ways I can only imagine.

On a selfish and personal note, the ill person was very influential in my Christian growth. Of many people I know from various parts of my life, he is someone I would really like to be at my ordination. Be the looks of things that won't happen and that hurts. Really hurts and, I think, they would like to be there. Whatever happens, I really believe they will be there in spirit as some of what they taught will be there in me.

That was better

2012-01-08T18:05:00.000Z

The service at Eagleside went well today. I'd like to say I thoroughly enjoyed it, but as I was leading it, I was a little nervous. Actually, I did get something from it, as though the words I was speaking were as much for me as the congregation. Enjoyment wouldn't be the best word to describe how I felt, though; and I can't think of a better one!

So, positives, negatives.

Good:

Clear voice (yea it's that again) and good pace I think I may have even managed to vary speed a little to stop it sounding too much like a monotone. It'll be useful to listen to the service to get a sense of whether that really came across or not.
The children's address worked well (thankfully). The children were engaged with the illustration (though I probably used the word awesome too much, but that wasn't to be "down with the yooff", I do actually say that) and interacted with me (obviously the scary factor's waring off). When all the children, in their enthusiasm, answered my question at once, I gently told them I couldn't listen to them all at the same time and asked to take turns. That worked well, all who wanted to contribute go their chance and they respected others (and me, I think) at the same time. As they were mainly fairly young, I kept the concept at an appropriate level from them and didn't whitter on too long at them. They seemed to respond very favourably to it. Feedback I received afterwards generally supported this, some of which was from current and former teachers!
The service flowed. There was a common theme in the hymns, readings, prayers, children's address and sermon. That was as planned and I do think it's important that's the case.
I didn't panic when someone else got up to do the prayers of intercession. I had prepared to led that, but just went with the flow and didn't regard it as "my ball". I also didn't make a fuss about it at all - either during the service or afterwards. It wasn't their fault and it's good an extra voice in the service, rather than one the whole way through.
I generally presented the sermon well, though not entirely and the will be covered in bad points. I linked well with the bible readings, used images well (as a picture tells a thousand words), went at a good pace and gave encouragement and pause for thought.
I tried to speak to the whole congregation during all elements, both in terms of the words, but also through attempting to make eye contact with the whole congregation and not just talking to those immediately in front of me.

Bad:

I perhaps should have explained why I was exploring the theme I was using during the service at the beginning. I did hear one person wondering why I was covering it at this time of year.
I was nervous. (Though is that really a bad thing?)
During the sermon, I started well. I knew that bit quite well and did deliver it without referring to my notes, but there were some bits I slightly stumbled on or I was a wee bit up-and-down looking at them and that may have given the impression I didn't know what I was saying (or that I was nervous). At one point, slightly going off notes (though still on topic) my mind went totally blank. After what seemed like an eternity (probably less than 2 seconds) I moved on. Thought that was better than having everyone staring at me and me getting more in a fankle than I was already. And, finally, I may have ended the sermon a bit sharply, though feedback I received was mixed in that regard - some thought I could have been more sharp! I did feel, though, that even a short prayer would have drawn it together better than I actually did.

So, overall, I'd say it went well. Feedback was mainly positive and the whole service seemed well received. I know people don't like being critical, but there was genuine warmth in their comments. Also, as touch on, there was criticism, but constructive and things for me to be aware of and build on.

And, as a final aside. A regular visitor to Eagleside was chatting to me after the service. His home church regularly has ministry candidates training there. He said some are good, some less so good. He told me he thought I was in the best category. That was a great boast to me, while very humbling at the same time. God knows how I do it (and I do mean that literally).

For the long aisle

2012-01-06T17:01:00.000Z

I have been thinking about weddings recently. I have sat in on a wedding rehearsal at Eagleside and a couple of meetings with couples who wanted to get married there.

I don't know why I keep coming back to this, but I have been thinking who I would marry (now there's an opener for you!). I understand, in the Presbyterian tradition, marriage is a blessing, not a sacrament, but does that make it less before God? The couple would be making vows before God and I would be praying on their behalves that God would bless their marriage. With that in mind, surely one of the couple should have some belief?

Now, I'm not bothered about them being a fully paid-up Christian, who comes to church every Sunday without fail. I think if I were to have that sort of attitude, it wouldn't be very Christian. It would also make me a bit of a hypocrite. I wouldn't mind if one half of the couple had a belief and the other was an atheist, but was respecting their intended's wishes and belief (and I would respect them so much more for being honest and up front about that). But I think I would expect some sort of belief, if only in a "higher power" and the need to get married in church because it wouldn't feel right anywhere else, rather than for the long aisle. It just has to be vague, but come from the heart.

And don't pretend you want the church for anything other than the nice garden for the photos and the long aisle (again, for the photos?!). I'd respect your honesty for telling me that, though I may not agree to marry you. I do know a humanist who does a very good wedding, though ;-)

Thing is, I'd want to be welcoming to all who I may minister to, so is attaching conditions doing that? I don't even think I'd expect them to come to church before the big day (or even before confirming the booking), though it would be nice. Definitely something for me to ponder over and figure out. And that's without thinking through re-marriage of divorcees...

Raspberry Pi

2012-01-02T09:00:00.000Z

No, that's not a spelling mistake. It's a computer for $25 (or about £16). The Raspberry Pi has been launched to enable people (especially children) how computers work and help teach the next generation of programmers and designers, as though many people can use computers for, mainly, web-based applications, fewer and fewer really know how they work. More info on what it's all about can be found here.

That's pretty cool and at £16, will hopefully be available to all. Maybe this is the BBC computer for the...whatever this decade is going to be called. Good luck to them. If I had time, I'd probably get one and re-learn programming. But, that's not going to happen. Not this decade anyway.

They won the battle

2012-01-01T17:52:00.000Z

Lloyds TSB Foundation for Scotland won £3.5 million on Thursday in the Court of Session, in relation to their share of Lloyds Banking Group's profits. The full court verdict can be read here. That is great news for a charitable foundation which was fighting for it's rights under a covenant with Lloyds Banking Group, who were only going to give the foundation £38,920. According to the court judgement, this was in breach of the covenant between the two parties and the disagreement was down to interpretations over whether the sums to be given were in proportion to pre- or post-tax profits.

While it is good news the foundation have won this battle and charities all over Scotland will benefit from this large sum, I fear they have only won the battle, not the war against Lloyds Banking Group.

Two years ago, the Banking group tried to impose changes in its covenants with the foundation, primarily in relation to the amount of the banking group's profits the foundation were entitled to. The Scottish foundation refused to agree (there are also foundations for England and Wales and Northern Ireland). Due to the lack of agreement being reached, Lloyds Banking Group decided to withdraw funding of the foundation.

Given Lloyds Banking Group was bailed out by the Government, in many ways it is owned by the tax payer. And, bankers aren't exactly popular these days, so why do they give themselves this sort of bad publicity? I do admire the foundation's trustees for not giving into bullying and intimidation and I hope the banking group can be forced to change its mind. Unfortunately, I think I might be being a wee bit naive on this one.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-25T00:01:00.006Z

The final candle of the advent wreath is lit. God is with us.

Merry Christmas. May there be every blessing on all those you love.

Looking back

2011-12-23T17:19:00.002Z

I've been looking back at this blog and reflecting on what I've done and learnt both on placement and uni and I can't believe how much I've covered. And I still feel a little squeaky, green and naive. Still, it's only the first placement and I need to remember there are 4 for a reason, yet not get complacent with that too.

Looking back, I see I am getting this integrated thing. I understand how everything (and I really do mean everything) interlinks. It's amazing how something I've just been taught at uni comes up at placement or vice versa. Then, on placement where does pastoral care end and mission begin, say. Again, it's all interconnected and I do find it a wee bit strange that there are some of the candidates which are concentrating on one aspect. Don't get me wrong, I know I have particular interests, gifts etc, but I wouldn't say I am going to have a pastoral ministry - I would argue by doing that well, mission and evangelism will arise without having to think about it.

I know I'm a wee bit naive with some things and I hope I retain that. Sometimes being too aware of things can be quite negative, as an open mind isn't necessarily there, if you get what I mean.

I am so pleased I decided to do my first placement at Eagleside, despite my initial reservations. My supervisor is extremely supportive and willing to let me try (and even fail), in order I grow, learn and understand. The congregation, too, have been very supportive and I am very grateful for that too. I think it helps they often have trainees and enquirers.

Well, I just can't believe how quickly this first semester and first half of the first placement has passed. And how much I am, overall, enjoying it, despite some of the challenges and feelings of wondering who I think I am doing this ministry thing. That's kinda cool, as it keeps me in check.

Two blue lines

2011-12-21T08:42:00.002Z

St Matthew's church in Auckland, New Zealand, has a habit of putting offensive posters outside their church for Advent. This years one has been more controversial than usual and have invoked much anger, including vandalism.

Personally, I have no problem with it. Even though it was in faith Mary accepted her call to bear God's son, I suspect the reality of that would still have come at a surprise. What to tell Joseph and her parents? What would the community think? Will she survive pregnancy and childbirth?

Do you feel undermined?

2011-12-20T17:10:00.000Z

I wonder if there are full-time ministry candidates (or enquirers) out there who find those training for ordained local ministry (OLM) a threat which undermines their ministry. If there are, it makes me sad. Not just because Spot is undertaking the enquiry process for this, but there may be many, many reasons a person feels called to minister in the more flexible way the OLM allows. Also, there is currently an age limit on those beginning training for the full-time ministry, as they must be no more than 55 when they finish their training. As a call can come at any age, it doesn't seem right to me that those above (or close to) 55 would be excluded from undertaking a formal ministry in the Kirk. If it is God's call who are we to contradict that call?

I know there may be some (and I would very much believe they are a very small minority) of those entering OLM training (or enquiry) who want the Reverend title for self-satisfaction, but I'd imagine if there are people with that mindset in OLM training, there may be people entering full-time ministry with that mindset. Given how thorough the assessment program is, it will weed out almost all of the people doing it for the "wrong" reasons. I know there are those who may manipulate the system, but they will be found out at some point. God will sort them out, I'm sure. Again, though, who are we to undermine a person's call? Examine and test it, yes. Dismiss it because that person cannot be full-time for whatever reason - no.

I know if there was an OLM in whichever presbytery I go I would love to think I could use their skills and gifts for God's kingdom where I minister (if that was appropriate). I think that would complement my call, not undermine it. Personally, I think it would be great if every presbytery could have an OLM and was able to use them for the gift they have to share. If I can play a small part in helping that I would feel very privileged.

Christmas Songs

2011-12-15T16:28:00.000Z

The other day, I was asked what my favourite Christmas song was. And here it is...

Just got to love the '80s big hair, baggy shirt and leggings...

But my favourite Christmas number one, from 1986, is this:

Featuring a young Fatboy Slim. The sentiment's what I like about this one. Wouldn't it be great if there was a Caravan of Love for all?

Hurt

2011-12-14T08:00:00.000Z

I don't do X Factor. I think it's exploitative and degrading for the contestants. Among other things. But, now there's Top of the Pops, it's the place where the big stars in pop perform as it's really the only showcase there is (pop doesn't seem to understand the net...).

So, to my dismay I read Leona Lewis (about the only X Factor winner who still has a career - Susan Boyle didn't win!) was covering Nine Inch Nails' "Hurt". Made worse by the fact it's not a new interpretation or re-hash of the original, but a cover of a cover. The cover being the one by Johnny Cash. A cover regarded as so good (and so moving) even Trent Reznor - the writer - regards as the definitive version and no loner his.

So, just because I can, I am a fan of the Man in Black and as two fingers to X factor I will be buying Johnny Cash's version as part of the campaign to get it to get it to number one (rather than the X factor winners or Leona Lewis' version).

Please help me pass!

2011-12-13T19:50:00.000Z

Today was the start of my exams. This morning was spent going over my revision. Initially there was the panic as I looked and thought I can't remember this, but as I went through it, it all came back to me and I became more happy I did actually have a clue. I know I've put in the work, but it's letting the examiner know I have that's the problem.

Before the exam I prayed "God, you called me to ministry. I need to get a degree to do this, so help me pass my exams. Thank you". I hope he was listening (I know he always does, but the answers aren't always the ones I want, though always what I need).

Sitting down for the exam was weird. I never thought I'd be back doing this. But I looked at the paper and saw questions that I not only understood, but knew I could answer reasonably well. And I think I have. Whatever happens, I'd be very surprised if I fail and everything else is a bonus.

Need to do some more study before the next exam.

Carols and readings

2011-12-12T17:40:00.000Z

It was a bit of a busy old day yesterday. Well, not that busy, but busy enough.

I was asked to led the prayers of intercession for the main service. As I was in the middle of studying for my forthcoming exams, I adapted a prayer I found online, rather than write one from scratch. Can't remember where from, but it tied in with the theme (John the Baptist). I feel I delivered it well and I received positive feedback. So, it looks like it stuck a chord, which I suppose shows the Holy Spirit at work.

In the afternoon, there was a service of carols and readings - MC'd by yours truly. I was a wee bit daunted by this, as it's not something I've ever been involved with and I'd received mixed information on the format. So, me being me, I made it up.

The readings were all from the bible and followed the incarnation narrative of the gospels. For Eagleside, I have now discovered, that was unusual, but they appreciated it and it was well received.

The carols. Well, some people had said to just come up with my idea of favourite carols, others said to ask the people coming to the service for their thoughts. In the end, the later method was adopted, from a shortlist (not my own, but one Eagleside had used before). With 5 minutes to go before the start, these were put into a rough order and passed to the organist.

Then, I winged the rest of the service. And, amazingly, it all came together and worked well. Which is pretty cool.

One thing I should have done was after the last carol have a sort of benediction or blessing-type thing, but my mind went blank. Oh well, nothing I can do about it now.

Reactions were very good from the feedback I've received. Interestingly, a couple of people mentioned how they admire my confidence - if only they could see the paddling under the water like a swan thing which was going on. Thank God for the power of the Holy Spirit. I think it's maybe the nerves which stops confidence becoming cockiness and I'd never want that to happen.

Switch the Christmas lights on!

2011-12-08T16:49:00.000Z

I saw this on Fail Blog and, although probably highly inappropriate for a Christian blog, just had to share...

Now, that brings the real meaning of Christmas home, doesn't it ;-)

Learning by my mistakes

2011-12-04T17:22:00.000Z

I always used to think I was okay at children's addresses. Still a work in progress, but (looking to the plant world for inspiration) good stock on which to grow and graft things. Now, I'm not too sure.

I've now lead the children's address at Eagleside twice now. There the children are primarily quite young, with a few older children (though I think they are all primary school aged). As with many churches, the numbers vary Sunday by Sunday, with the most I've seen in my time there being around 10.

This makes it quite challenging, along with me going in quite cold, as far as those children are concerned. Although I have been involved in worship most Sundays since beginning my placement, it has generally been after the children have left, so I am the weird woman talking to them once in a blue moon.

I usually try to used a physical object or a video clip to get things going. Hopefully that gets and holds their attention. From the body language both times, that seems to be the case, so that's positive. My problem, though, has been transferring from that illustration to the "God message", so to speak. That I'm struggling with and I wish I could get to the bottom of why.

I think it's a combination of not having full notes (don't want to just read to the children, but need somewhere to go from) and although I have it clear in my head (or at least I think I do) when those wee faces look at me, but don't speak I get in a tizz and fluster myself and don't make my point very clear. Perhaps, too, I'm trying to go too deep and am relying on the children having knowledge from their young church time they don't actually seem to have.

I think I need to keep it more simple. Today was about John the Baptist and I think I should have just told a story about him and left it at that, rather than trying to link it to a "be excellent to each other" message. But then I don't want to patronise the children either. Mmmh, more practice needed me thinks.

On a positive note, a member of the congregation (who I think was a visitor) was asking how long it was since I had started training. I explained it Eagleside was my first placement and I'd been there 10 weeks. He thought I was doing very well for someone who was less than 3 months into my training. I thanked him kindly. I hadn't thought of it like that, and I was getting a bit overawed by all the stuff I'll need to experience before I (God willing) get my own charge. That gentleman's comments certainly put things in perspective and reminded me of a comment a good friend had made to me a few weeks back - "Don't beat yourself up too much. It's a lot to take in and it will be challenging, but that's why it's years of training and you know it's the right path for you". How true. And I need to learn and take heed of my own advise that we learn from our mistakes.

I hope this weakness can grow into a strength. Then the failures will have been the most beneficial.

More Sunday thoughts

2011-12-01T09:09:00.000Z

So, I've now listened to the recording of my sermon from Sunday and discussed it with my supervisor.

My feelings were I spoke clearly and well, but I sounded really boring to begin with. I just sound so slow, but that's where the clarity comes from. I did think I picked up a wee bit towards the end, but not that much. There were a couple of bits where I'd lost my chain of thought and there was a pause as I looked at mu notes. When given my critique to my supervisor, I concentrated on the negatives, but I'm Scottish and Presbyterian, so there's little hope for me being positive!!!

He thought it was very good, generally. It was difficult concepts to get across (and I could have avoided the lectionary). I did mention I thought I hadn't explained myself too well, but he reassured me by explaining in a congregation where I was established I would be able to explain background and ideas over a period of time, so the congregation would know were I was coming from. It would have made for an inappropriately long sermon if I'd tried that!

The other main comment from my supervisor was to try to get a bit more tonal range in my preaching, though he did say an individual doesn't realise how little range they have. Definitely something I'll need to work on and remember to get the balance right on too - I don't want to speed up at certain point so much that the clarity people really appreciate is lost. I also have to remember I've not much preaching experience and not to beat myself up, yet be realistic. In many ways, I think the Kirk should send all trainee ministers (and deacons and readers too) for acting lessons. That would help with sermons, me thinks, so long as we don't have to pretend to be trees!

Funeral Attire

2011-11-29T16:54:00.000Z

As the weather begins to turn, my thoughts turn towards warm clothes. Now, I have my fair range of warm, sensible clothing. Mainly in bright blue. I like blue. But it's not the best type of warm coat to wear to a funeral.

I do have a good coat I have worn to funerals, but it wouldn't necessary be the most somber for someone involved in or leading the funeral. While it wouldn't be worn in a church or crem funeral, I know I'll need a coat for those times it's a graveside funeral.

The criteria are it has to be smart, classic, non-distracting. In black, charcoal grey or navy blue. It has to be at least mid-calf, to keep my wee legs warm and cosy. Really, you wouldn't think this would be too much to ask, especially as, if it's a really good coat, I don't mind making the financial investment.

Unfortunately, full-length coats aren't that easy to come by, though it has been mild and the shops don't really have many in. There's a lot of red coats, which are lovely but perhaps not the best for a funeral (I so wish they could be, but there's a time and a place and I acknowledge that is a rare funeral!). One shop I went to, when I explained why my requirements where so tight, was really helpful. It's a pity the coats I tried on were too long in the sleeve (and not of a price where I would consider getting them adjusted, though in the sales...). They did say there had been a run, with the change in the weather and they were waiting for more to come in. I might pop in again in the next couple of weeks.

Another shop I think thought I was making it up. All I can say is who would say they were after a full-length dark coat as they were training to be a minister as a wind-up? IMHO wind-ups have to be based on truth and, really, why would anyone make that up. Their coats didn't fit me - but I think I would have had to find the perfect coat before I would have considered buying there. Well done, you've lost a sale.

So, the hunt goes on. I did suggest to Spot I just get a duffel coat, but even I know it's not that smart and, frankly, I look about 5 years old in one (if a little taller). Pity, they are dead warm and practical, just how I like my winter clothing.

Preaching in Advent

2011-11-28T09:44:00.000Z

I was preaching at Eagleside for the first time yesterday and I think it generally went well. The sermon was based around Isaiah 64:1-9 and Mark 13:24-35, which aren't exactly cosy, warm, friendly passages for the start of advent!

I ran with the image of God as a potter in Isaiah, shaping and moulding the Israelites into the people he had called them to be and how that still applies to people in the 21st century as much as it did when Isaiah was written. But we should always be prepared for Jesus return. I also put this into the context of the incarnation being irrevevant without Jesus' death and resurrection. Without that, he was a good and holy man, but humanity was not set free from the burden of sin and put right with God in and through that act. Depending how I feel, I may post the sermon some time in the future.

Anyway, I felt I presented well. I was nervous before (and during) preaching, but there's nothing new there. I feel I came across in an authoritative way, but not uncaring. I was clear and I think the pace was about right. There was one point where my voice broke as it very much was speaking to me as much as, I hope, it was speaking to the congregation. I had to pause there, to settle myself and I felt a bit awkward, but was reassured afterwards that only one person picked up on it and that was actually in a positive way, to my surprise.

After the service, many people commented how they have enjoyed it. I know people don't like to be negative, but I felt a genuine warmth and sincerity in their comments, especially as there were people making an effort how I haven't managed to speak to as yet (so may people, so little time). One comment which stood out of me was "I loved your use of imagary and how you put the readings onto the historical context. That really brought it home to me and you've definitly given me food for thought." Wow. That's pretty amazing! Another member, who has been very honest in his critisim of me thus far commented "If you are like that at this stage in your training, you will do well." Praise indeed and very humbling, knowing both that person's background, skills and experience in leading aspects of worship.

I think I might have got away with slightly less comprehensive notes, as for some parts I was barely referring to them. I know it's a comfort blanket sort of thing, but at least if my mind goes blank, they are there. Perhaps, for a shorter talk I may try bullet points and see how that goes. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, even if trying that just lets me know never to try that again!

I'm fairly sure there were a couple of times where I may have not quite got my point across well. If I can get a chance to listen to the recording, I will get a clearer idea of how I sound to others and if I articulate my ideas well. I know I don't always do that in normal conversation, so it's unlikely that would never happen in a sermon.

Yet again, though, many people have commented on how clear confident a speaker I am. Some of there people have hearing problems, so I know how important it is to them they can hear. It's good I am still getting this feedback, I know there's a danger I could become complacaent and loose this ability. The confident bit, well, I do seem to be able to come across that way, but I'm like a swan - swiming for dear life underneath the waterline, trying to stay calm and collected.

Also, my singing voice was complemented (again). Perhaps God's trying to tell me something? Either way, it was quite a surprise to have this compliment as the person is a beautiful singer and, I have heard, has high standards. Perhaps I should begin believing in what others say about this. I think it may be useful to be a bit more comfident singing, as there my be times where I need to led the singing in an act of worship (I'm especially thinking of funerals here) and God is helping boast my confidence to allow me to do this when necessary, which is kinda cool.

Overall, it went well. I may post more after I've listened to the recording and got feedback from my supervisor. Either way, I need to learn how to keep the emotions in check, without becoming cold and detached. Better doing it in the context of preaching a sermon to a supportive congregation that many other situations. Maybe it's a practice thing or knowing my triggers. Either way, definitely something to learn and be ware of for next time.

The good and bad of praise bands

2011-11-27T17:46:00.001Z

I must admit to not being a huge fan of praise bands. Unfortunately, I have experienced some bands where they are great musicians, but are not leading worship. It was a great gig, but I wasn't at a gig and they didn't get the balance right.

Other times, it has felt like the members of the band haven't actually vaguely rehearsed before worship or, worse, don't actually know what they are going to play as that will depend on "how the holy spirit moves them". While I believe fervently in the power of the holy spirit, I also believe the holy spirit works with a person's skills, intellect and talent. Gifts come from God, but God has placed them there in the first place...if you get what I mean!

Recently, I heard a version of "O come, O come Immanuel" which left me cold. For me, it's a pleading, reflective hymn, longing for God. This version was not like that.

Doesn't sound very melancoly to me. I did. however, also find this version. What a contrast and much more in keeping, I feel, with how the hymn should sound, especially in the context of the lyrics.

Small group discussion

2011-11-23T08:47:00.000Z

Eagleside is running a course, based on Matthew's gospel, on Monday nights. As part of the course, the participants are being broken into smaller groups to explore aspects of presentations and their reading of the gospel.

Although I am not "officially" a leader in the course, I have noticed people are looking for me for guidance and the knowledge I am perceived to have. I find that a little daunting, humbling and uplifting all at the same time. I know it is because I am a trainee minister and I, rather naively, didn't think that would happen so soon. All good experience and quite eye opening of people's perceptions of those in ministry, even trainees.

One thing that is coming to light, at least for me, is I'm maybe not as bad at this small group thing as I think I am. I'm engaging with the group, but not dominating it, while letting everyone have their say. If anything, I'm maybe holding back as I want others to give their views.

I do need to learn a couple of things, though. How to get the quieter members of the group to engage, without feeling under pressure to speak. Also, how to manage members of the group who may dominate it, which would have a knock on affect for the quieter members the most. I think I need a wee bit of advice and guidance on this one, as practice makes perfect and now is the time to learn. I suppose one of the problems here is there is no leader in the small group and I don't want to impose this if it's not necessary. Again, am I being naive and all groups, even small informal ones need some sort of leadership?

Pea and ham, fae a chicken?

2011-11-21T16:46:00.000Z

Yesterday, I was accused of being too young to remember this advert:

I could have kissed the person. And it gave me an excuse to post the video of a cultural reference for Scots of a certain age!

Before the day breaks

2011-11-16T15:49:00.000Z

Between night and day

As I walk to uni of a morning, I cut through one of the many parks in Edinburgh. When I first started, it was daylight, but now it's dark and as I walk, the city wakes up.

While I head through the park, I see people driving cars and riding bikes wheeling their way to work; runners getting their exercise before they start work; workmen (not being sexist, not seen any women yet!) taking deliveries of building materials. All as I walk to uni.

The thing I like most about walking through the park are the sights and sounds. The car engines, the bike chains whizzing and whirring. And, in among this noise, as it's still early and there isn't many people around, the sound of the swans and geese and crows and blackbirds all getting ready for the day. Getting ready to live day by day, to have enough to get by on and worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes. To live like that, now that would be liberating. For if the birds are provided for, how much more are we?

Support networks

2011-11-15T10:32:00.000Z

As part of my training, it's important I have support networks. Some have been formally put in place by 121. Others, are my friends and family. Guess which are more useful???

An offer of support, for me, is empty if it's not followed up by action when asked - and I don't ask for help maybe as often as I should. I have experienced this recently from a couple of these support networks. I eventually obtained the one thing I needed from on of these supports, but I am still waiting to be kept informed of what's going on by the other, despite repeatedly asking to be kept in the loop (a loop which revolves around, you've guessed it, facebook!).

Sorry this is a bit woolly, but it's necessary. I suppose it doesn't help I'm feeling a bit tired and could do without the various placement things I have to do this week. As a commenter said, there are time when in ministry I will feel like this and the challenge is to keep going.

I'll get a break from uni and placement at Christmas, though. At least the exams are before we break up. It'll fell weird not working over the Christmas holidays, as I have not done so for a very long time. What exactly do people do over Christmas and New Year that they can't do any other time of year? I need to find out so I know where to avoid!

Anyway, with God as my support, everything else is optional anyway.

Finding a balance

2011-11-14T08:00:00.000Z

Between uni and placement, it could be very easy for me to not have time for the things I enjoy and to spend time with those who are important to me. With this in mind, I have made Saturdays sacrosanct. I feel, if I don't make sure I don't do training stuff that day, when do I have a day of rest? It's not like Sunday's really an option, as I am usually involved in some part of the worship.

Then, there's finding time to keep up with the housework. Boring, I know, but necessary. I'm not a housework fanatic, but like to do a little often. With the occasional half-hour here and hour there, that's when I try to squeeze those things in. One things for sure, ministry training certainly concentrates the mind in ensuring I use my time as effectively as possible. It's amazing how much can be done in half an hour if that's all the time I have!

Some weeks are easier than others. This week, I will be out 3 evenings and have placement commitments during the day in my day off uni. It probably won't go above my max 10 hours (in theory, though my supervisor does make sure I do stay within this), but it would be nice to actually see my husband. Looks like I'll be booking him in on Friday! How candidates with children cope, I have no idea.

In many ways, when things are scheduled is out of my hands; I am, after all, just the trainee minister. In ministry, I may have a little more say over when meetings are. And, if they are in the manse, I won't have to commute to them!

Despite the busyness, I know this is the right path for me and know if it was a free and easy ride I wouldn't really be learning anything, then I would land up completely unprepared for when I am on my own (God willing), in a parish with no one to fall back on.

By donation

2011-11-10T10:39:00.000Z

Something which really annoys me is when organisations run events or have entrance fees by donation, then state the "suggestion" on the advert. Sorry, but that's no longer a donation, but a charge. Is this to get around tax laws, as donations are treated differently? Also, is it so you can recover gift aid for the entrance fee, but having a "voluntary additional donation"? I experience this situation at a National Trust property once. I can't recall the entrance fee, but let's say it was £5. As a UK tax payer, they could recover the tax I had already paid in the entrance fee, but only if I "agreed" to pay £7 to enter the property - the £2 extra being my "voluntary donation". It didn't go down too well when I refused and I was told the £7 was the correct entrance charge - so why not just charge that?

I know suggested donations help smaller organisations cover there costs and budget better. And, generally, I don't object to this where it is done correctly. But don't have a cashier make it abundantly clear I have to pay the suggested donation. This may even put off some of the people that organisation confesses to serve, as they see the suggested donation as prohibitive, or it could reduce donations as people who may have given more feel that is no longer appropriate. What, really, is wrong with just by donation? Most people I know will be generally more generous as they try to compensate for the lack of charge. Go on, try it, I think the takings may even increase.

Challenge? What Challenge?

2011-11-08T08:36:00.000Z

I've been feeling a bit over-whelmed and challenged with uni and placement stuff and have mentioned this to friends and colleagues. Their response has been a combination of "isn't it supposed to be challenging", "I get the impression you're not enjoying this placement" and "what is making it so challenging?".

And there's the rub. I don't know. I can't specifically put my finger on one or two things and say "It's X and Y". But maybe I'm not doing it right. Maybe I should be looking at what I find helps me grow and develop my ministry skills. There's a lot I can and will learn at Eagleside, from both my supervisor and the congregation. There's a lot to take in at uni, but the more I learn the more I realise how intertwined everything is and how helpful it will be at some point in my training and/or future ministry.

So, are these challenging thing? I'm beginning to think they aren't. I think I was struggling to get the balance right, get a decent routine and generally get used to me new role. Things are settling down (probably fatal last words!) and I feel much more open to and prepared for the learning opportunities which are coming my way.

Communion in the round

2011-11-07T08:54:00.000Z

Communion was celebrated at Eagleside yesterday and I got a lot out of it. It felt an integrated part of the service, not "a tagged on the end because we do this 4 times a year in the Church of Scotland" feel to it. The sacrament was as much a part of the worship of God as the hymns and sermon. That isn't always the case.

The communion table was moved to be in the middle of the church, so all were sitting around it. The elements were distributed, with the elders being served after the congregation and the minister last. Then we all took the elements together once all were served. I thought that was brilliant and I wish more churches would do that (of course, that only works with those thimbles of wine the Kirk uses, not the common cup). To really impress me, the bread everyone got was the same. It may not have been the best bread in the world, but at least it was the same. As I have posted elsewhere, it is a bit of a sore point for me when the minister and elders get different bread from the rest of the congregation.

The sermon touched a nerve of mine. Much of what was said could have related directly to me and I wonder if that was the case. Obviously, I will discuss this with my supervisor, as it would be interesting to discuss the issues raised and, possibly, the rational behind his sermon. It did, in parts, make uncomfortable listening. Not necessarily for me, but given the content, it would not have been easy to listen to by some of the congregation.

I have noticed, my supervisor will tackle difficult issues in his sermons. I don't necessarily agree with his opinion, but respect he will do this. I hope this is something I can learn to do, where appropriate and in the context of the congregation I am leading and what is happening in the wider world.

Telling it like it is

2011-11-04T11:22:00.000Z

I have a tendency of - and I am quoting feedback I have received from others here - "telling it like it is" and "making astute observations". The thing is, this can (and has) backfired on me. I'm especially thinking of my first period of co-ordinated field assessment, which my local assessor did not appreciate my style and I was a bit immature in my attitude.

It's part of me and I feel it's part of the reason God has called me to be a minister. It does come with some rough edges, which I am working on, though I am finding that a bit of a struggle. It's not an unwillingness to change, to blossom into the person God really wants me to be, but a concern I may become a very different person, completely different from the one God called. I also wonder what impact that change may have on my relationship with those most important to me. Hopefully, it will only be positive.

A bit of me wonders, though, if my forthrightness is a prophetic call. Now that terrifies me. But there's always a chance is this the intrinsic part of my nature God especially wants to use. Particularly in the light of this bible passage which has come up in various settings over the last couple of weeks:

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me,
      for he has anointed me to bring Good News to the poor.
   He has sent me to proclaim that captives will be released,
      that the blind will see,
   that the oppressed will be set free,
      and that the time of the Lord’s favor has come"

Originally spoken by Isaiah and used to mark the beginning of Jesus' mission at Luke 4:18 and 19. It has come up in my personal daily bible reading, in the New College communion service and at my placement church. I don't know how or why, but I feel God is telling me something and leading me down a path which will be very difficult. I'm sure he knows what he's doing and I trust I am up to the task.

Including all the children

2011-11-01T16:13:00.001Z

As it had been a busy week placement wise last week (12 hours all in), I was not involved in the service on Sunday. This gave me the opportunity to observe the service – both those leading worship and the congregation.

After my children's address last week, my supervisor commented I have to think what would be relevant to a 6 year old and I think that's a fairly valid point as I may not have got that across too well last week, but other feedback I have received seemed to contradict this. I can't help but wonder how to make them relevant for older children too, as they could feel patronised or excluded.

I know it's a difficult balance to strike and may well be something where, from time to time, I will have to admit defeat. I asked my supervisor for advise on this and that's more or less what he said. I can see that and that's one of the reasons why I think children's addresses are among the hardest things in ministry.

The first contract

2011-10-30T08:20:00.001Z

Over this week, my supervisor and I have been putting together my learning and serving covenant - basically the contract for my time at Eagleside. It was a lengthy process primarily as I don't know what I don't know, with this being my first placement and only the beginning of my training. My supervisor was very helpful in guiding me in some of the aspects which totally bewildered me.

At the end of the form, there was a section for special interests. The ones I have put down are a bit vague and woolly - use of audio-visual in worship and something else which I can't really remember. Partly, it's I'm aware I have 3 placements and probation to cover the areas I want to explore, partly I don't want to take on too much this placement.

I suppose that's maybe wimping out a bit. But I have plenty time (though I suspect it will fly past!) and need to develop those skills as I am interested in them and I know I need a gentle start to training. I'm sure over the course of this an the other placements, other special interests will come to light or I will know there are things I need to explore. I may even find that in this placement I explore things I'd never even thought of and be better prepared as a result.

We've got Jesus

2011-10-29T08:35:00.011+01:00

One of the courses I am taking is theology (mmmh, wonder why I might have to study that...). We've just had a change of lecturer and it's great. We've got Jesus now. And they are a fabby lecturer - we're all understanding it now, though it is a slightly different area that's being looked at (I think; I hope!).

An analogy they used yesterday was Jesus galloping along on his horse and rescuing humanity. And what entered my head? This:

Which did leave the song in my head for the rest of the day. More worryingly, though, was I knew it was Christmas number 1 in 1968 off the top of my head!

Star dust

2011-10-28T08:12:00.000+01:00

As I was walking through Holyrood Park this morning, it was still dark o'clock. As it was a clear morning, in the sky I saw the stars rising above Arthur's Seat and thought wow.

Around 4.5 billion years ago, a star began forming from a cloud of dust, which had been formed from the death of another star. As the star formed, and gravity started to act, the dust cloud swirled around this new star, condensed and formed the planets around that star, bringing our solar system into being. So I and all people are made from star dust. Now, that's pretty cool.

I hate being late

2011-10-27T09:03:00.002+01:00

Let's be frank. Yesterday was a shit day. Very busy, which I don't mind, but let down by poor time management, which I had little control over.

I observed a funeral, which was strange as it was a funeral where I did not know the person, though in ministry I'll have to get used to that. It did allow me to think about the service in ways I couldn't if I was emotionally involved, though it wasn't especially different from my expectations of a church funeral. After, I discussed it with my supervisor, as he knew the person well, and talked over the differing issues of knowing and not knowing the individuals we are called to serve, in this way.

That discussion took place while we were finishing off my paperwork for 121. Which started 20 minutes late - grrr. I know I need to find away of ensuring meetings are timeous as I'm aware if I don't get this sorted now I'll have problems later. I was also too polite, as I knew I needed to leave Eagleside promptly, as something urgent had cropped up for me, but didn't say anything and the meeting went on longer than I would have liked. So, in that instance, the time management was partly my issue too. I suppose I need to work out an exit strategy. Practice on my supervisor and, hopefully, when I am doing visits and have to be somewhere else I've already got that sorted.

Then, to make a busy day even busier, I had MTN (ministry training network) to rush off too. My day had been planned around this, as I knew I wouldn't be able to have tea, so had a large lunch. I was getting a lift from another member of the group. I waited. And I waited. And I waited. They didn't call and, unfortunately, I don't have their number. Eventually, I thought they weren't coming and I didn't have my own transport, but just as I had, they turned up. A mad dash to MTN and we were only 25 minutes late.

MTN itself was good. It was great to meet with fellow candidates for the first time since conference and share experiences and thoughts, though the facilitator kept mentioning things which the group discussed the year before and the new members felt a little excluded. The main thing I picked up at MTN, though, was in the discussion, there wasn't much mention of God or Jesus. Should I be worried about this?

So, the lesson for the day - time management isn't entirely out of my hands. And don't rely on a lift without making sure the person picking me up knows where to go.

A wee bit nervous

2011-10-26T09:07:00.001+01:00

I've been gently broken into the various aspects of worship at Eagleside. This is allowing me to get a feel for the church - it's congregation, sound system, style of worship etc - and for the congregation to get used to me and my voice. On Sunday, it was my turn on the children's address.

I've had the idea of this address for years, but it's never fitted in with the theme of any services I've been involved with since I came up with the idea. Basically, I described the safety features of my biker kit and used that as a lead into the armour of God.

Things which didn't go well.

I was nervous. I'm always nervous, but usually manage to cover it up to an extent - being behind the lectern or in the pulpit helps. That's not something you can do with children and they notice and I don't do bull with children (don't really do it at all, but especially not with children). They were nervous too, this strange woman with weird clothes.

I made the mistake of following the pattern that other worship leaders at Eagleside take, which is to sit on a chair, with the children at my feet. Didn't like that as I felt I was talking down to them. I do not talk down to children, literary or metaphorically. Next time,. I'll either sit on the floor with them or get them to sit on the front chairs so we're on a level.

I possibly didn't make the link from the motorbike clothing armour to the armour of God that well. Need to think a bit more like a child on that and get into the mindset of the children at Eagleside. I suppose I'm a bit too used to children who get the connections themselves, but that may be down to what's going on in their Sunday School.

I spoke a wee bit faster than normal. Partly nervousness, partly forgetting though I was speaking to children, the congregation needs to hear. That said, Rebecca who is deaf, heard it all. I do need to remember to slow the pace for the grown-ups, though.

Things which went well:

I held their attention. They were interacting and giving of positive listening. This was confirmed by a primary teacher in the congregation, who mentioned how impressed she was with my being able to hold their attention and the imagery I used. That was a great boost.

The message worked well and tried on with the service as a whole. I can't stand when that doesn't happen.

I didn't ramble on and on. I realised when it was time to stop and I did so. I'm glad nerves didn't make me ramble on too much and need rescued!

My coolness factor with the children has gone up. Most children think motorbikes are cool. Not sure how the parents react...

So, I need to be aware of this and try to find my way of presenting children's addresses, rather than following the style in the placement. After all, I am supposed to be finding my style. Fortunately, my supervisor is not only happy I do that be positively encouraging me. It also helps Eagleside has a lot of students at varying stages in training and enquiry, so they are used to new things. Now is the time to try.

Side

2011-10-23T08:43:00.000+01:00

I heard this on the radio this morning. It's one of my favourite songs as it simply expresses so much.

Enjoy.

Being where people are

2011-10-21T19:10:00.000+01:00

While in the pub this afternoon (I know, this student life is so hard) my friend and I started talking about pastoral care. Well, actually, it began about smoking and sort of developed from there.

I hate smoking. Hate may be a strong word, but that is how I feel. I really vociferous detain of smoking. Not helped by the fact, by non-smoking Great Uncle died of lung cancer, caused due to passive smoking. During the 6 months he took to die I was not allowed to visit him. In retrospect, I'm glad, but it was very difficult at the time, as I was very close to him.

So, as my friend and I were talking, I mentioned how I would struggle with pastoral care where a life-long smoker was suffering from lung cancer. If fact, I would struggle no matter what was wrong if they were smoking while I was there. And then I started talking about my Mum (there is a connection, honest!).

My Mum probably dislikes smoking more than I do, but she had to watch her Uncle die and have every breath snatched from him. Yet, in her work as a care worker, she has had to help the people she works with smoke. She has been able to set aside her issues with smoking to meet the care needs of those people and treat them with the dignity and respect they deserve.

So that is what I have to learn. To set my own feelings aside and be with a person where they are and where they need me to walk with them, as Christ would. I'm not saying it'll be easy, but I must do this. Smoking is an example of struggles, but there are many, many more I will have to deal with and they, no doubt, will be much more challenging.

Future ministry

2011-10-19T08:00:00.013+01:00

Okay, so it's a long way off until I am ordained (God willing) an actually a minister, but what is my "vision" is something which has been cropping up.

(To be honest, I don't really have one, bar a combination of leather jackets and dog collars, but only with a red clerical shirt. Maybe even on a motorbike, as bikers can be Christians too!)

A while ago, a friend of mine suggested me eventually becoming a military chaplain. The scary thing is, I haven't ruled it out. Even after the talk at my first candidates' conference from a RAF chaplain, that didn't put me off. But I know they probably wouldn't take me on medical grounds.

Quite a challenge for a confirmed pacifist who was brought up in a house where her uncle should have done national service, but elected to work down the pits as "why should I fight for my country when I cannot vote for the politicians who would send me to war". At the time, voting age was 21.

Somehow, if that's where God needs me to go then he'll have the plan to send me. But maybe it's not me, the idea is just for me to write about it, to get others thinking about it. Whatever the plan is, it's God's and that's what I should focus on.

Remembering how I used to speak

2011-10-18T18:34:00.000+01:00

Something which concerns me with all this learning is, after 3 years of academia, I can no longer speak "normal" (those who know me would question if that is a skill I currently have!).

As I learn more about who, for whom, where and why the bible was written, how Christianity spread and theology I'm moving away from the known into the unknown, in terms of my own learning. I am also moving away from the assumptions I may have made about bible passages or differing theologies to mine, which were based in ignorance. More so, and this is the concern in terms of hands-on ministry, is I am moving away from what the person in the pews knows.

Now, that's not a bad thing. As a minister, I will be the teaching elder and I can't do that if I don't know what I am talking about. But, what if I make assumptions on the congregations knowledge and patronise them or forget what I didn't know before I entered academia and neglect to paint the picture, as it's become too obvious for me and I've forgotten they won't know that.

Mmmh, need to try to remember what I don't know now and bare that in mind throughout this process and into the future. I suppose that's where the training comes into play. Learn from the supervisors and congregations I will be placed with. Listen to criticism, good and bad, and used that to grow and communicate effectively.

That's it. Effective communication. I need to ensure, all through training and (God willing) a parish I do that. I try to modify my style to the audience, for want of a better word, and find a way which fits with who they and I am.

Switching off

2011-10-17T08:29:00.000+01:00

I've been very tired of late. It's a combination of the "nights fair drawin' in" as we say in Scotland, getting up about 1.5-2 hours earlier than I have become used to, using parts of my brain which have been under used for years and placement stuff. What hasn't been helping, though, is me not switching off from it.

I'm trying to have that Saturdays are my time. No uni work, no placement time, just time for me. I feel it's important to set this early on so I do make sure I don't spend all my time on the job. But on Saturday there, I just have verbal diarrhoea recounting the week, pretty much verbatim (I have a spookily good talent at doing this!). I know spotthegerbil is interested, but my constantly talking about the events isn't good for me either.

So, I need to find a way of putting uni and placement things to one side, at least for one day a week. I know it won't be easy - at the end of the day this is very personal, both for me and the people I will pastorally care for. It's not like a pile of paperwork where it'll still be there in the morning and no-one will be affected.

Yesterday, I did decide not to look at blogs or talk uni and I felt better for it. I think doing that on Saturdays may help. And I think asking for advise, from fellow candidates and my supervisor, will give me some pointers.

Stop and listen

2011-10-16T08:00:00.001+01:00

A couple of years ago, spotthegerbil and I were in York. Sitting having a cuppa watching the world go by and this guy walked past with a trolley containing an amp and various other electronic music-related items. I commented something along the lines of "He looks like he's the roadie from hell who's just making his way him from last night's gig". How wrong was I. Ed Alleyne-Johnson is AMAZING!

We sat and listened to him for ages - maybe an hour or so. As we listened, many, many people just stopped and listened. No matter what he was playing and there was a great variety of musical styles. Which goes to prove two things. Don't judge a book by its cover and no matter what someone is doing, if they are good and passionate about it, people will stop and listen. I hope I can be as a good a Christian as this guy is a violinist!

And here's one for the guitarists.

Bike Parking

2011-10-15T18:16:00.000+01:00

So there spotthegerbil and I were, out for a run on the 'wing. Just a wee bit of of a jolly along the Fife coast and up to St Andrews.

In St Andrews two weird things happen. Firstly, we're looking for parking. As we head along the main street, there's a group of Goldwings parked up and waving us across emphatically. Turns out they were raising money for the cancer research shop they were parked in front of (while smoking, oh the irony) and thought we were there for that. No problem joining in, it added to the display and allowed us to meet new people.

Secondly, we were sent into the shop for a cuppa (not bad, for parking a bike outside - must remember to do this more often!). Chatting to the manager of the shop, who we'd never met before, she asked what we did. Well, after I told her I was training to be a minister, her reaction was amazing - "looking at you I can just see that" - and so sincere. Wow. Yet again, support and encouragement on strange and unusual places. Just proves, God speaks through many people we encounter everyday. Sometimes more obviously than others, but always saying what we need when we need it. Now, that's pretty cool!

RIP Dennis Ritchie

2011-10-14T08:44:00.001+01:00

Dennis Ritchie has died. Yes, you may be wondering who he was, but he changed the world too. Somehow I don't think as many people will comment on his contribution to technology as much as someone else who died recently. Such a same, but that seems to be the way of things in the celebrity culture we live in.

But maybe it's better to be respected by your peers than the general public, as your peers at least know what you did and don't just see the "personality".

All sorted

2011-10-13T19:47:00.000+01:00

Following on from yesterday's post, the issue in communication with the group I'm a member of is sorted. Yes, I was annoyed, but got a sincere apology (which did make me a wee bit guilty) and it's fixed. No hard feelings and I'm looking forward to being more involved in the group.

Don't rely on it

2011-10-12T16:52:00.001+01:00

Now, despite my Facebook reservations, I generally think social media is a great and useful tool. I use Blogger (obviously), Youtube, Picasa, Flickr, Twitter and online forums. I have found them a great way of getting and sharing info, being entertained and saving money.

What I don't like about social media is when others rely on it too much. Not for their own personal amusement - what they do in their own time is their business - but for group communication. I know of a group where all their meetings and contacts are published on Facebook, so if you're not on Facebook, tough. I kid you not as I am pretty much experiencing this first hand at the moment and I am not the only one affected. Not exactly very inclusive, especially given the nature of the group.

Spotthegerbil has challenged me to come up with a solution for this problem, though I'm not that interested as it;s a group I have to be a member of. Given their current attitude about keeping non-Facebook member in the loop, I don't think I'd choose to be a part of it. Having said this, I would ensure all in the group received regular emails. I might even set up a forum for that group and use that as an additional resource. But "everyone" uses Facebook because it's easier.

Glad I got that off my chest. Hopefully something will change, though I am not holding my breath.

Cake or death?

2011-10-10T08:59:00.000+01:00

There's a YouTube video I love. Church of Scotland could so easily be swapped for Church of England. The stop motion animation is brilliant, as is Eddie Lizard, who I think is a bit of a genius. And eventually I will tell you about it in conversation. I like cake.

This is another genius one. I find it hysterical and I've never even seen Star Wars! And I have never looked at penne arrabiata quite the same way since I first saw this!

Sharing the peace

2011-10-09T08:45:00.000+01:00

I'd like to start with saying I am not as bad as Mrs Beamish. Shaking hands is fine. I've no problem with that and, in fact, I am more likely than a lot of people to shake hands with others when I am first introduced. It's a wee bit old-fashioned, but I think it's polite.

What I don't like is people I barely knowing hugging me. Please, do you really have to pounce on me and pull me into an embrace when we are sharing the peace during communion? Really, you don't. I don't even know your surname and you are invading my personal space (NB I am trying not to use upper case here, as I do want to shout this).

When did hugging become so common? And with people who barely know one another. Who don't know if the person they are forcing (and I do mean it as strongly as that) into a situation they find exceptionally uncomfortable. Shaking hands can be a sincere, warm sign of affection but still maintains the dignity of the person you are shaking hands with. It's very unlikely people will feel uncomfortable with hand shaking across ages, genders and sexes. Lunging in for the hug when a hand shake ifs offered is just bad manners in my book as it has put me in an awkward and difficult situation, as I don't want to offend, but I don't want to hug either.

No offense, but don't hug me. Not unless you really know me (though if you read this, you know a lot about me). Then again, if you knew me, you would know I'm not a hugger, feel uncomfortable hugging in general and would respect that. Imposing your hugging on someone who isn't tactile and you don't know them well enough to even know that just isn't.

Besides, we're sharing the peace during communion. That's supposed to be for all in the group. So, by hugging some people and only shaking hands with others (or ignoring them all together), what kind of signal are you sending out? The peace is bigger and better for those I know and like, but everyone else can get the insincere version? At least I go for equality by treating everyone the same in the peace sharing. Okay, it's driven by my personality, but surely it's a good skill for a trainee minister?

He changed the world

2011-10-08T16:43:00.000+01:00

Following Steve Jobs' death, this video has been doing the rounds. Whether or not you like Apple products, there's little denying Apple have changed computing and music in ways barely imaginable even 10 years ago. But that's not why I posted this video. I was amazed by Mr Job's modesty and wise advise.

How often have things not worked out the way I would have wanted them at the time, but when I look back, they've worked out perfectly? Too many times to recall. How often did I get up to colour in of a morning and, if I'd asked the question "Is what you are going today what you want to do?", I would have said no? Too many times to recall. Yet it was that yearning to do something worthwhile which eventually forced me to follow my call.

And here I am , living the dream so to speak. Using technology which was begun by Apple, in Steve Jobs' parent's garage. All the dots connect all over the world in brilliant ways. Now, if that isn't the work of God, then it's just coincidence. But I don't believe in coincidence.

Weddings

2011-10-08T09:04:00.000+01:00

There's a wedding at Eagleside this weekend and I observed the rehearsal the other day. It wasn't exactly what I expected and I have been to a couple. What I was expecting was the basic walking through of the process, where people would stand/sit, quick run-through of the vows and a practice of the readings (if appropriate).

What I didn't expect was my supervisor to sermonise over the vows and married life. FOR 45 MINUTES.

He explained the vows and then gave his opinion on what they meant. Now, maybe it's just me, but I would have thought this is something he would have discussed and gone over with the couple before now. I didn't feel the rehearsal was the right time and place for it. Secondly, some of the explanation was necessary and I didn't disagree with, until my supervisor began very much giving his opinion on marriage and how it should be run. Not only did I feel this was an inappropriate time for that, it seemed his opinion and how it works for him and his wife. Also, much of what he said felt like a personal slight on my marriage, even though the sermon was not aimed at me.

Take his opinion on arguments. He thinks couples should argue and "finds it disturbing to learn of married couples who never argue". Well, spot and I don't. If there's something we need to talk about we do. Like mature grown-ups (hard to believe, I know). That's not arguing. It's talking. For me, there is a huge difference.

Then his opinion on telling your other half that you love them. As far as he was concerned, it should be used sparingly as he thought couples who did that a lot only did it to cover-up insecurities. Me thinks someone may be projecting their own opinions on others. Again, he won't like the fact spot and I do tell each other that regularly. It's not a replacement for showing we love each other, but part of it. I do think others see our love for each other without us being all gushy.

We had a chat after the rehearsal and I tried to get to the bottom of why much of what he said hadn't been covered before. And I didn't get to the bottom of it. He just went onto discuss how he used to run pre-marriage classes, but few people turned up and the rehearsal became the time to go over that. Knowing from others he can do that to see candidate's reactions, I'll need to try to get to the bottom of that eventually.

As for the argument and love thing, I was just a wee bit too angry to even begin to bring that up. I know I needed to leave that to one side and discuss it more fully at a later date. I need to get to the bottom of that one too, but that will be for another time. I know if I'd investigated that at the time I would have just projected my annoyance at the slight on my marriage rather than discuss the rational behind his advice. That would not have been especially constructive for anyone and would have made me look like a bit of an idiot.

So, what did I learn? To think before I discuss some matters. A bit of time and reflection gives a bit of prescriptive. To ensure the couple understand the vows before the wedding (and even have a choice). To try not to project my way of being married onto others; what works for spot and I may not work for others. To remember I am there to walk with others through good and bad. I am not a councillor and that is a different role which I am not trained for, but know where people could get counselling if necessary.

That's not too bad to start with!

Under pressure

2011-10-05T17:29:00.000+01:00

Spotthegerbil and I are very blessed. We are happy and healthy. We have good friends and family. And God has done some pretty cool things for us. Very, very cool things.

As a trainee minister, I am lucky I don't need to attempt to hold down a part-time job while studying and doing placements. We also don't have children, so there's no childcare juggling to do too. Quite how my fellow trainees manage with such pressures, I do not know. I feel under enough pressure as it is!!!

I know most of the pressure comes from me. I was at Edinburgh uni many years ago and didn't cope there. I'm older and (hopefully) wiser now, but that feeling of not being good enough is always at the back of my mind. Even though I have a degree already and that proves I can do it.

There's just so much to learn and understand (or not, as theology is proving at the moment!!!). It's a challenging time and I know there are many, many rough edges which need to be chipped off me. And that may not be the easiest or most comfortable of processes for me of those I am will. Poor spot, I wonder if he knows what he's let himself in for?!

The start of the goldfish bowl

2011-10-03T08:49:00.000+01:00

Although I was introduced to Eagleside last week, Sunday was the first day of my involvement in worship. I was leading the prayers of intercession and my supervisor "interviewed" me.

I thought he'd be a little better with his questioning, as he'd know what the congregation would like to know. As it worked out, all I told them was where I went to school and university. Then I had to explain the process of selection. All useful, I suppose, but I don't think any of the information really told the congregation anything about me. There are loads of people who went to the same schools and uni I did. Even did (and still do) the same job. Never mind, he must think that's what the congregation thinks is important!

I received a reasonable amount of positive feedback about the prayer. Generally well received. I'm sure there will be some who may not have liked it and I would like to hear from them. Hopefully they will have the confidence to disagree with me face-to-face, or even to my supervisor, that's fine too. Yet again, my clear voice has been noted (and I heard the volume being turned down on the PA system as I was talking!!!).

As part of the goldfish bowl which is ministry, I am getting my fair share already. There are members of the congregation with whom I have had dealings in one way and another in the past. Some of those dealing have not necessarily been especially positive. That said, they are in the past and I hope I have the grace and good manner to let bygones be bygones. I also hope and pray that will be the case with these individuals. Some were speaking to me on Sunday and waxing lyrical about how well I had done for myself and how pleased they were to see me take this step into ministry. This is wonderful to hear but I can't help feel some are being like this because of what I am doing rather than who I am and that concerns me.

I hope I can get to know the congregation and they me. I know there are challenging times ahead and I have much to learn. It won't be easy but I don't want to go anywhere else (and you can quote me on that when I do!). This is God's path and no-one said it would be easy. In many ways the harder it is the better my fitness for ministry will be when I am eventually let loose on a congregation myself.

How to resolve all the Kirk's problems

2011-10-02T17:47:00.000+01:00

I hope you're sitting comfortably. I have the one and only solution which should be used by the Kirk to resolve any issue.

It's a brilliant idea...

It's worth waiting for...

Anyone young or old can do this...

Everyone knows it....

I give you Rock, Paper, Scissors! The winner of the best of three goes with the looser (as the least should be first, naturally!).

The poor get poorer

2011-10-02T08:58:00.000+01:00

While eating my breakfast this morning (the irony not being lost on me), I was reading an article about food poverty in the UK. Yes, in the UK. One of the wealthiest countries in the world, yet people the demand for food parcels is on the increase.

Reading this article, I was both lost for words and angry. Angry that a country which is so wealthy had so much poverty and inequality. And having the knowledge that the benefit changes the current UK government are enforcing will only increase poverty for those at the very bottom of the pile. Just so we, as a country, can reduce our debt. But at what cost? A cost too high for my liking, especially when the UK is the third biggest spender on military in the world. Is it just me or there something wrong with that image?

Read the articles and see what you think. Don't just take my word for it. And reflect, what can we do about this. As a Christian, I know I need to speak out against injustice and act to help those suffering poverty and exclusion. This is part of my actions, but I know I need to do more and I will try.

Battling Bad Science

2011-10-01T19:07:00.000+01:00

First and foremost, I am a scientist. Okay, maybe not first, but I have a scientific brain. I like to know how and why things work and see claims backed up by evidence. So talks like this one appeal to me. Just goes to shown there's lies, dammed lies and statistics!!!

The offering shall now be uplifted

2011-09-30T19:20:00.000+01:00

At Eagleside church (that being the church of my placement) they, like many churches, have encouraged their members to give via standing order, rather than into free-will offering envelopes. This is easier and cheaper for the church, as it saves counting and banking of the cash.

A problem they were having was members of the congregation, even if they gave via standing order, did not like not being seen to be putting something in the plate during the whip-round. Consequently, they were putting money in the plate to look good (the rant on this comes later; patience). So, they are now trialling the offering plate being available for donation prior to the start of the service. But that doesn't seem to be working and the giving has dropped.

Now, they are considering printing cards for member who give by standing order stating this is how they give, to be used when the offering is uplifted during the service. To look good.

I object to this on many, many levels

Firstly, it's not very biblical. I wonder what Jesus would say about people making a show about giving and not liking not being seen to put something in the plate? I give you Luke 18:9-14 as an example of his opinion on people making a show.

Secondly, what about someone going to that church either for the first time or after a change in circumstances, where they genuinely cannot afford anything or more than they have already given? What kind of impression does that give to the poor? How can the gospel be good news to the poor when a church does not teach against bragging and showing off in people's giving? Many questions, but I think you can grasp my opinion on this.

I know of a church where many people give by standing order and cards like this were used for a while. Some people used them (mainly the treasurer who's idea it was and who didn't like not showing he was giving), but most didn't as they didn't feel it was the right thing to do before God. Now, no one uses them. Consequently, visitors see regular church attender not putting anything in the plate and passing it over. Okay, they are giving in other ways (not always financially), but the visitors don't know that and don't feel obliged to. Sometimes they are more generous because of this.

What differs in these two churches? It's early days for me at Eagleside, but I think it's the teaching from the pulpit and the hearts of the people. I know that sounds harsh and I am trying not to judge (honest), but as soon as you do something for the show of it, you are doing it for the wrong reasons IMHO and not for the glory of God.

A wee bit overwhelmed

2011-09-28T09:16:00.000+01:00

Uni has started, as has my placement. I should be thrilled, and I am to a certain extent, but I can't get past the feeling of being a bit overwhelmed by the whole thing.

There's so much to do at uni. So much to learn and read and understand and ponder. All the while thinking to myself "How can I apply this in ministry?". I also can't help but think I'm maybe starting to work too hard already. But maybe hard work now will pay dividends later on.

I know much of the hard work is a slight state of paranoia. When I was at uni the first time, I didn't put in much work and got by, but sometimes only just. I don't want to make a repeat of that. I am also aware I have other things going on this time, in the way of placements. Last time, I only had uni as my "work". I'm sure it'll all be fine, I just need to get myself into some sort of routine. Then, I don't want to become some sort of swot work-no-play kind of gall either.

I'm also wondering what my fellow students, particularly my ministry colleagues, think of me. Do they look and think "they chose her"? Or maybe I'm just thinking that as I sometimes wonder that myself. I'm shy (hard to believe sometimes) and not as sure of myself sometimes as my persona may suggest. But I don't like to go with convention and follow the crowd. Never have done and never will. Yes, that can exclude me, but it's part of who I am. And if there's an awkward way to do something, it's guaranteed I'll do it.

Oh, my fellow students I've spoken to are all lovely (mature and not mature). I'm already loving the history stuff, but I love history especially as the church has had a big role in the history of the world for most of the last 1600 years or so, whether we like it or not. I'm even beginning to understand what the theology lecturer is on about and, believe me, that is no mean feat!

The scary thing is, despite the self-doubt and concern what others may think of me, I don't want to be doing anything else as this is exactly what I should be doing!

Has The Doctor lost his way?

2011-09-26T08:34:00.002+01:00

I really want to like Doctor Who. I've been a fan since the Tom Baker days. The first half of this series was looking so promising. It was scary and funny and complicated. Just how The Doctor should be. It even looked that Matt Smith was being his own Doctor, rather than trying to fill David Tenant's shoes. And the acting had improved.

But since the start of the second half of the series I've been increasingly disappointed. The last couple of episodes have felt more like filler (lets give the main actors a bit of a break during filming type thing). That's okay for 1, but 2 or 3. Come on, Stephen Moffat, what are you playing at?

Saturday night's episode I found especially disappointing. What was the point? I mean, really? The only thing that seemed relevant to the story arch was the final scene. I didn't need 45 minutes of a poor story with actors who didn't seem like they cared for 2 minutes (if that) of the scene we actually needed for the series story.

Maybe, once the series is completed, all these episodes will make more sense. I hope so, otherwise it looks like Doctor Who is loosing it's momentum and heading into the territory of 30 years ago. And we long-term fans know what happened then.

Would you have sat there?

2011-09-25T08:17:00.000+01:00

Okay, it's an advert for a brewed grain-based drink, but it does make a point about judging people by their looks. I would have sat down, but I am a biker too. So would you sit next to me in the pictures?

Dale Farm - update

2011-09-24T08:45:00.000+01:00

Following from my first post on the potential Dale Farm eviction, there has been another court injunction preventing Basildon Council evicting the people living on the illegal part of the site. So have correct planning permission rules been followed? This article from official Dale Farm blog doesn't think so. It's a pity this isn't an independent, neutral article, but it has been backed up with citations.

In saying that, I am having a bit of a change of position about this issue. Planning permission was not granted 10 years ago for the illegal part of their site to be built on. The part of the site which was a scrap yard. I know building regulations in England are different from Scotland, but there are certain areas which residential property would not be granter permission and that included former scrap yards, mainly due to the health risks from the oils and heavy metals which the soil will be full of.

I know there has been arguments that they own the land and can build what they like. I can't just build what I like on my land. Technically I might even need permission to erect a shed where I live! With that in mind, and given the residents of Dale Farm say they want to be treated as all other members of British society, they also should adhere to the planning rules. It can't be one rule for non-travellers and a different rule for everyone else.

It would appear the basic issue here has nothing to do with planning permission. It is to do with treating others differently due to their ethnicity. The council have, rightly or wrongly, not granted permission for the former-scrap yard to be used for residential purposes, for 10 years. Since then, due to the legal process, the council have had to stop any action to remove the buildings on that part of the site. Surely, the same rule should have applied to the owners of that land (i.e. they couldn't build until the issue was resolved)? It strikes me as somewhat wrong they don't have to pause until the matter is resolved.

I know this issue has gone on for 10 years. I also know there is the matter of where would these families have lived meantime. As they are building houses, there are plenty houses all over Britain where they could have lived. Even areas of land where there was permission to build already.

I wonder if now this issue has gone beyond planning permission. It's about how society treats those which don't fit into the norms of that society. That said, the law should be the same for everyone, no matter their ethnicity or background. Yet, the fundamental issue remains. Planning permission has not been granted and the people living on the site have defied that ruling for 10 years while the local council has to stand by and not take action, except through the courts.

I pray this issue can be resolved in a way which the dignity of people is preserved, but somehow I suspect that will not be the case. I also know no matte what happens, it will not be a positive outcome for anyone. There are no winners or loser's here. Only losers.

Let's have some integrity

2011-09-21T17:41:00.002+01:00

I'm a respecter of people who stick to their principles, especially when they are tested. For me, that is a test of character and indicates the real measure of the person. After all, if the principles fall when tested, what do they really stand for?

It's not I'm saying they are always right or I agree with their position, but I respect it. I ma think they are an idiot, but I will defend their right to be an idiot, so to speak. I also know there are times when principles are challenged and a person changes their opinion, but that is a bit of a different matter.

Take me, for instance.

I won't join Facebook and I've explained my reasons here.

I won't fly Ryanair.I know all the budget airlines charge for using cards and putting luggage in the hold etc, but don't advertise flights for 50p when there's not a hope in hell of anyone actually being able to get a flight that cheap. Like why not just include the charges in the advertised price? They won't disenfranchise their customers so much. And then there's the whole thing about wheelchairs. Okay, the initial ruling is from 2004, but the fact is they treated someone so appallingly. Also, they are supposed to provide them as part of the their legal rights. This applied before the ruling, but it took one person to stand up to Ryanair for things to change (and not necessarily for the better IMHO).

I won't buy meat from a supermarket. Call me a snob (though it is telling the more affluent places nearer where I live don't have butchers anymore, but the bone-of-their-bottom places do have butchers), but I like to know where my meat came from and that the animal had the best quality of life possible before it became my dinner. Yes, it costs more. Yes, it's a wee bit more inconvenient. But I know I am supporting local businesses and helping protect the environment by reducing my food miles and packaging. I also probably eat less meat due to the slight price increase so it's healthier too.

I won't buy from Primark due to their links with sweatshops and their unwillingness to change things. Yes, I am aware working conditions are poorer where many of the clothes in the UK are made than here, but shops need to ensure their staff and contractors have basic working rights and aren't used as a commodity.

When I used to work in an office I wouldn't work overtime on a Sunday. Attending worship was (and is) far, far more important for me than money ever will be. I know there were many of my former colleagues who just didn't got why I would do this, especially as spotthegerbil and I were saving for a trip to New Zealand at the time and a few Sundays of overtime would have allowed us to do that a year earlier than we did.

I am aware these principles aren't big deals. But all of them have been tested one time and another and I have stuck to my guns. If I didn't, would anything I said and did count for anything? I don't think so and I wouldn't have sincerity and integrity. Without those, I couldn't possibly be a minister.

And, on the subject of cheap flights (and this doesn't relate to any company in particular)...

Dale Farm eviction

2011-09-19T08:00:00.001+01:00

Today, the people living at Dale Farm are due to be evicted from their homes. Okay, so there may not have planning permission granted for the extension the community built, on their own land, but how often are planning regulations flouted and the local authorities don't bat an eyelid or grant permission retrospectively?

The rational behind the eviction, so far as I can tell, is the extension is built on greenbelt. This forms half the site and the other half of the site is legal. Okay, so the local authority designated green belt on the site of a former scrapyard. Are you extracting the Michael? Greenbelt on an area which will be full or heavy metals from the processing of the scrap metal.

As the leaders of the church in Essex have pointed out:

“While we recognise that travellers, like others, are not above the law, nevertheless, half the Dale Farm site is already recognised as lawful and it would seem to the benefit of all to authorise the adjoining site rather than spend millions on eviction in these days of austerity and cutbacks.”

It is estimated the eviction will cost up to £18 million. I know where I'd rather my taxes spent.

Gypsies and travellers must be some of the most vilified groups in the UK (if not Europe). As Rabbi Janet Burden pointed out here,

"The language used clearly echoes the rhetoric of antisemitism," she said. "If you don't believe this, have a look at the website jewify.org for examples of newspaper articles which substitute the word Jew for Gypsy or Traveller. The results are quite chilling. I believe that the obligation to protect this ethnic minority's way of life is a human rights issue that, in this particular and unusual case, may need to trump the planning law designed to protect the green belt."

Okay, there are groups who have adopted travelling lifestyles who illegally camp and leave rubbish and devastation in their wake. But they are in the minority and you can't tar everyone with the same brush. Yet this seems to happen again and again. I wonder if it is because general society just don't understand why they don't settle down and get a real house? Or is it just easy to marginalise people who do not fit into society norms. Does society need someone to persecute?

Things seem to be moving in Scotland as the Scottish Parliament move towards formal recognition of travellers as a distinct ethnic group, though it will take much, much longer to change society's views.

The church, the body of Christ, must stand up against any case of discrimination and marginalisation. Not just because it is the right thing to do (which, of course it is), but because that is what we are called to do. Give money to the poor, feed the hungry, shelter the homeless. Otherwise, we might as well just stop what we are doing now as how else can the gospel be the Good News to the poor?

Why I am Mrs Gerbil

2011-09-18T08:00:00.000+01:00

Now I am at uni and have formally begun training (yeah!), I am aware there may be people who read this who I will encounter. I find it exceptionally humbling knowing people read and enjoy this blog. Thank you. For your support, encouragement and general interest, whether or not you have commented.

I decided early on to adopt a pseudonym (did you guess that?) for a variety of reasons. Mainly, to help to protect the innocent. While I try not to give too much away when I am commenting on places and situations (and sometimes there are situations which I can't post here), if I posted under my real name who and where I was posting about would be much more identifiable.

So, for the moment, I am going to try to keep my anonymity. Again, it is an honour to be read. I thank you for continued your support and interest.

PS Now I have started uni, then quantity of posts will drop. Sorry, but study comes first and this is just too good a place to procrastinate!

Civil Partnerships

2011-09-17T17:09:00.000+01:00

There's much debate going on down south about whether or not same-sex couples can be married. To all intents and purposes, civil partnerships are, but legally they aren't. Yes, I know, it doesn't make a lot of sense.

But, that's not what I am going to talk about. No, it's the heterosexual couples who want to enter into a civil partnership. So, let me get this straight, they want to have all the legal rights which come with marriage (mainly to do with inheritance tax in the UK) but they don't want to be married. Am I missing something? Anything? Is it just me, but why not get married?

It strikes me these couples want the privileges of marriage without the responsibility which comes with it. It's an overused phrase, but with great privilege come great responsibility. Or are they just making a point, I wonder?

It's not like it has to be a religious ceremony or a fancy do to be married. That's what registry weddings are for. Maybe the one difference, as far as I can tell (other than the obvious) between weddings and civil partnerships is the later can be conducted in private.

As a former marriage cynic, I wonder if these people haven't got the right person? There was a year, yes just one year, between me thinking marriage was just a piece of paper and why can't people just live together if they want to, to actually being married. Yes, I am a born again marriage evangelist. Well, not really, but you get the picture. Funny how quickly that changed with spotthegerbil. He is the perfect person for me and being married to him is as natural as breathing (usually, I don;t want him getting funny ideas!). Maybe I, too, would have been a civil partnerships for heterosexual couples person once?

Marriage is a declaration of a couple's love, loyalty and commitment to one another. End of. If you can't sign up for that, don't cop out and try to make a point. It just makes you look like a numpty IMHO. God doesn't even have to get a look in (officially, but he'll be around somewhere!), nor do you have to spend a fortune and invite everyone of your facebook friends!

If you want to live together, do that. That's fine. But accept the privilege and responsibility which comes with it too.

All are welcome

2011-09-17T08:00:00.017+01:00

The other day, a fellow candidate/student asked me what I thought the shape of my ministry was. I couldn't quiet put it into words, until communion on Friday at New College. At the end of the service we sang "All are welcome" by Marty Haugen.

And it came to me. That is the shape I hope my ministry would take. Where everyone is really welcome. Where the church serves the community and doesn't just expect it to come to the church, but the church goes to them. Where all are listened to and valued for who they are. I suppose, I could call it my manifesto!

Walking

2011-09-16T19:27:00.001+01:00

I was in Edinburgh early yesterday. spotthegerbil drops me off on the way to his work, the wee star! After visiting the library (and embarrassing myself by not being able to work out how to leave - spot the fresher!) I decided I wanted to walk the Edinburgh labyrinth. I don't know why I felt compelled to do so (I suppose God does!), especially as I've always thought "That isn't really for me".

As I started, I didn't know what to do. Yes, I know it's walking the path, but what to do while I walked. Talking to myself was out of the question. Not only would they be sending the men (why is it always men?) in a padded van and a straight jacket, but there was someone sitting on one of the benches chilling. (Must admit, that did make me a little self-conscious).

So, there I was, just walking at a gentle pace, listening to the birds. In itself, that was pretty meditative. Then I started saying (in my head, I hasten to add) Deuteronomy 31:6, my favourite bible verse. Over and over I said it. All the way to the centre of the labyrinth. All the time wondering exactly what I was up to. All the time wondering if there was any point to it.

Until I got to the centre. It was a great feeling. One of enormous calm and peace. Like the words were becoming reality for me. As though God was saying, yes, "I will not fail you. It's okay".

I continued saying the verse as I retraced my steps to leave the labyrinth. Now they had taken on a while new dimension. A brilliant and amazing thing that is so hard to put into words, but is real presence of God with me. I mean, just how cool is that? I love it.

Now I know what was compelling me to walk the labyrinth. I was guided by the holy spirit. Part of the God I follow, but the God who is preparing the way for me. Brill.

Synthetic life

2011-09-15T09:27:00.000+01:00

This was an interesting article I was reading this morning. All about steps towards creating fully synthetic life forms. Okay, it's yeast they are starting with, but give it a few years and who knows where it would head?

Now, the logical, rational scientist in me thinks great. A step towards begin able to create drugs better, more cost effectively and more efficiently. I wonder if the drug companies will be too happy about this, as they are businesses and geared up to make profit. If the cost comes down, will there be sufficient money to invest in new drugs research?

But, the person who has seen the damage we humans have done to the environment through creation of chemicals the earth does not naturally have (CFCs, DDT, plastics, for example) wonders if the creation of synthetic life forms may have these consequences. Okay, they should never leave the lab, or that's the plan at the moment, but what if they are used outwith a lab. The results are impressive, but there's no natural safeguard. Nothing eats it or it doesn't die. Then what? How do we deal with it once it's in the environment and there's nothing to break it down?

Yes, I sound very doom and gloom about this. As with all advances in technology and science we need to tread carefully and really test things. Too often scientist have thought they had it right, but long term use has led to damage of the environment and chemicals which were banned in many countries long ago are still in the food chain and still causing damage. That information we will never get from lab study, as the world is so much more complex than a lab can ever re-create.

We need to look after the world, as it's not ours, but God's. We all have a choice, but than needs to be balanced with the needs and health of the whole of the world, in particular all God's children. If these advances in science make drugs cheaper and allow children to live past their first birthday, we need to try. Same goes for food production too.

My first day at school

2011-09-14T16:57:00.000+01:00

Officially a student again. Didn't really feel that old. Not really. Honestly!

The opening lecture was great, if I was 18 years old and really worried about job prospects. Then, naturally, I would be glad I was studying at one of the best universities in the world. As it is, I really don't care. It's convenient. Yes, I know I will receive good teaching and have access to brilliant resources. But then mature students aren't the bread and butter of the business which is university education.

But moving on. Poster sales, that brought back memories. As did walking through some of Edinburgh uni's buildings (other than New College). I did one year there, before deciding it wasn't for me, working for a year and heading to Glasgow. Funny, the group I was with weren't offered the multitude of leaflets the other student were. I can't possibly think why that would be the case ;-)

Although we might not get much of a chance to, a visit to the chaplaincy was interesting. Universities must be the only place where different denominations and faiths (and no faith, in terms of the humanists) can work together. Just shows, when people concentrate on what they have in common, rather than what divides, we can do amazingly great things. Pity it doesn't happen often. And I scored a free t-shirt, so that was a bonus.

Looking at the set-up at New College, it would be very easy to become "ivory-towered" as a student there. It has its own library, computer lab, refectory, support staff etc. Really, there's little or no need to go anywhere else. So I wonder how New College ensures the students there, especially the younger ones perhaps living away from home for the first time, feel part of the wider student community. It's easier as a live in student accommodation, but more and more students are staying at home and there are less opportunities for the student experience then. Even though I lived in Edinburgh first time round, I did feel, as a science student, a bit isolated down at King's buildings.

The muffins were good. And enormous! Now that is an aspect of New College I could get used to, though I suspect it will have been a one off for saying "Hello" to the freshers. Just as well, as as I would become the size of a house if they were there too often.

Now I'm waiting to see if the uni will accept the credits I gained from Aberdeen. Unfortunately, reports aren't favourable in that respect, though I don;t know the circumstances of those where this was not a possibility. Optimistically, I have asked and based my classes on this being possible. I hope I hear soon the outcome of this, as the longer it takes the further behind in classes I haven't yet registered for I will be. But, if you don't ask, you don't get.

Tomorrow I will be going on the New College tour (and hopefully I'll remember where to go afterwards) and the inaugural lecture for the start of the academic year. That sounds really interesting and it will give me an opportunity to meet my fellow students and get to know them.

Back to school

2011-09-12T16:45:00.000+01:00

So to speak tomorrow. And I am feeling a mix of excitement, trepidation, nervousness and not a little daunted. Funny, all the time spotthegerbil has known me, I have said I'd love to go back to uni. Never thought I'd get the chance and studying stuff I like - the bible, history, social history, geography (to name a few) - and someone else is playing the bill!

I'm sure I'll be great. Everyone else thinks so. All while doing something I enjoy and am called to. Cool.

Worship music and singing

2011-09-11T17:08:00.000+01:00

Another church, another Sunday. As I look towards beginning placements and uni, I have to admit I have been avoiding my home church. I'm aware I need to let go and move on, but in the knowledge there will always be welcome there and spotthegerbil and I are in their prayers.

So, the church I was visiting today had a praise band. Now, I'm sure they all are reasonable players of their respective instruments, IF I COULD HEAR THEM! Rather, they played, or should I say jammed to, a recording of a Christian singer's recording of the song. So not only could I not hear the band, I felt more as though I was listening to a gig or might as well had a CD (oh, how old-fashioned) on in the car. The way the praise music was used did not lend itself to leading worship and some of the words of the songs did not make sense, but as I can't remember the titles, I can't specifically comment!

But there was some hymns not "led" by the praise band and they worked better. I know I was the visitor, but I very much didn't feel the congregation were into the praise band-led music either.

Once again, I was complemented on my singing voice. This time is was "beautiful". Maybe I have improved over time as that's not the first (or second or third time) that's happened. Only seems to work when I am singing from the heart...

Which reminds me of a story I heard once. There was a monastery in France where the monks would praise God with their singing every morning, noon and night. They sang with all their hearts, but, boy, were they terrible. To say they could not hold a tune in a bucket was being kind.

One day, they heard of a travelling monk in their area, who was renowned for his singing voice. So they invited him to sing for them during their evening service. No one in the monastery had heard a voice so beautiful as that monk's voice. During that service, they thought they were giving God something truly wonderful to hear.

That night, an angel appeared to the Abbot in a dream. "Why were you not singing tonight?" the angel asked.
Terrified out of his wits, and somewhat confused, the Abbot told the angel about the traveling monk who had sung for them that night.
Confused the angel told the Abbot not a word had been heard in heaven "For you make the most wonderful music and all heaven listens".
The Abbot laughed and told the angel "But no one in this monastery can sing. We are all terrible singers".
"Ah" replied the angel, "but you sing with your hearts. That is why it is the most beautiful music in heaven".

Whether this is true or not, I do not know. But that is what I try to do. Otherwise, what else are we not giving over to God in worship? Of course, it depends on the song/hymn and many other factors.

Good or evil?

2011-09-10T15:09:00.001+01:00

I was watching this Horizon documentary the other day and found it very interesting and unsettling at the same time.

While watching it, two things came to mind. How much does the nature verses nurture of an individual play a part in their eventual personality and the implications for justice when criminal acts are committed.

Without giving too much away, if you want to watch it, these two issues were covered towards the program. Personally, I can imagine this research, if taken seriously, has major implications for society.

Firstly, how children are raised and nurtured. Ensuring the have safe and loving homes and are not subject to neglect and physical harm. I know that should be taken as read, but it isn't always done correctly or quickly enough in some instances. It's also, IMHO, a responsibility for the whole of society, not just social services and the police. Too often it is easy to blame them for failing individuals, but society must take some responsibility for this. I believe it is an indication of a society how the most vulnerable in that society are treated. All of society is culpable for this, directly and indirectly. That, though, is a post for another day.

Secondly, if a person has is a psychopath based on their DNA and they have not had a stable, happy childhood what should society do when they commit crime? Arguably, based on their nature and nurture, they are pre-programmed to become violent and they have a limit to their free-will in this regard. It's an interesting quandary for which there is no easy answer.

Makes you wonder, though, just how many people do you know who are actually psychopaths? Especially if you have or do work in the corporate world. A scary thought, but maybe all these types of peoples, given the right opportunities, can thrive and actively contribute to society in ways which their personally thrives on. After all, we are all made in the image of God. An imperfect image, but an image nonetheless. And I am even including Harold Shipman.

St Andrews east sands

2011-09-09T15:22:00.000+01:00

Drifting east

I took this photo while at candidates' conference during one of our breaks. I don't post many photos, as I'm hyper critical of them and this is a little shoogly.

It wasn't a great day, weather wise, but the beach still had a reasonable amount of people on it. There were even people surfing (braver souls than I am!). But the beach looks empty in this photo. People who really know this area may not even recognise it from this shot.

That's one of the things I like to do with photos. See places from a different perspective. Use different lenses and apertures to change how the location is perceived. To reveal beauty where is may be overlooked or taken for granted.

As part of the conference program we were invited to think of creative ways to lead a group to reflect on the spirituality of creation (or words to that affect). I think photography can be used for this. Pictures taken from unusual angels forcing the community to really look at where they are with different eyes.

Maybe this part of me. The "photographer" in me is part of my calling. Maybe I can use this gift in some way to enable a community to engage with there surroundings and each other. To engage with the wonder and beauty of God's creation in ways they may not have before. To get people outwith the established church involved too. Lets face it, everyone is a photographer these days.

But here I am getting ahead of myself again. I like taking photos and I shall always take photos of places I go. This gift, this skill may be just for my own pleasure and spiritual renewal. Or maybe God has other ideas...

Out of the blue

2011-09-07T16:19:00.000+01:00

Here I am, less than a week to start uni and not long before I begin my first placement. In many ways, I'm looking forward to getting started. In other ways I'm a bit overwhelmed and daunted by the whole thing. I've so much to learn and it really doesn't seem long enough a time to learn all I think I might need to.

So, I'm getting a wee bit ahead of myself thinking about my summer placement. The earliest is can be is next summer, but it can be as late as summer 2014, just before I get to probation. Many people have said to me "if you get the chance to go abroad for a placement, go" and I was starting to think that was God's message. Now, I'm not so sure.

Yesterday, from left of field, I realised I am terrified of how to deal with seriously ill and dying children. It's not I don't care, quiet the opposite. So much so I couldn't visit Robin House when I was invited before it opened as I knew it would upset me too much. This although I know it, and Rachel House are exceptionally positive places and are about life, not death.

Funny how this hit me. I was thinking of placements and logistics of placements abroad (yes, yet again, getting ahead of myself). Me thinks if this hits me when I am thinking of placements, maybe a hospital/hospice chaplaincy placement is where God wants me to go. Go where I am scared of. Because that's probably exactly where I need to go.

Talking to and responding to God

2011-09-07T08:00:00.002+01:00

How do you feel about prayer? Do you think you need special words or place? Watch this and be reassured.

Ever wondered what worship really is? This video sums it up really well and is entertaining.

Everything's amazing and nobody's happy

2011-09-06T08:00:00.001+01:00

A friend sent me this from a tech blog. Much of what is said is so right. We live in an amazing world where technology means we can connect to people all over the world in a matter of seconds. Yet many, many people are exceptionally unhappy. Maybe they are looking in the wrong places. Stuff can't make you happy, it just makes you want more stuff. This video sums it up.

Silent Monks

2011-09-05T13:51:00.000+01:00

In honour of the service I attended yesterday, where the organist played out to this. Only without the monks...

Money, money, money

2011-09-05T09:43:00.000+01:00

Money is a funny thing. It shouldn't be the be all and end all of anyone, but in our current western society, money is required to pay for our daily needs.

I've never been motivated by money, if I had been at the end of my first degree I would have become a hydrographic surveyor. Or, in my last place of work, I could have done as much overtime as I wanted, but what's the point of load of money if I had no time for my friends and family? I had enough to get by and, latterly, felt very well paid for what I did (many of my then colleagues did not have that opinion). I've never been on a big wage and have never earned more than the national average. Yet I was so much better off than many all over the world, or even in my neighbourhood, and at any time in my life.

I have been in positions where my family were wondering whether to eat or pay the mortgage. Whether to put the heating on or pay the insurance. It was a real struggle and I know that will help me when I walk with those who themselves are struggling with such things.

The disadvantage of having struggled at one time or another is I hate to see waste. Why buy something new if the thing you have still does the job? Why buy something new when you can buy it second hand and someone else has paid depreciation?

Generally, I don't holiday abroad. Getting out of Scotland for anything more than a long weekend is a major achievement for me (and that will be a thing of the past now). So maybe a placement abroad wouldn't be right for me. I know many people have got a lot from them, but so have people who did all their placements "at home". Whenever I am encouraged to go abroad, it resonates with me intellectually, but not emotionally. Taking my call to ministry as an analogy, when people suggested I should be a minister I fought and ignored the call, but it touched my heart. It touched something deep within me and I suppose I knew one day I would be where I am now. A placement abroad does not have that resonance for me.

Yet when I hear people talk of hospital placements, I really feel drawn to them (the placements, not the people, though the people are good too!). I feel a hospital placement is the type of placement which will help uncover pastoral gifts I don't know I have and further develop those I am aware of. Once in ministry, those gifts will be essential. No matter where I go I will always have the ill and dying to minister to, along with their relatives. It resonates with my heart and I think I should follow it.

So, what does money have to do with placements? Well, I know there is a payment for them, but everyone I know who has done a placement abroad has commented how they have had to use their own money to support them while away. What if someone training doesn't have reserves to call on? Do they not get to go? It seems somewhat unfair to me that this is the case. I know I couldn't afford to go abroad if my placement payment did not cover my costs and it does not sound as though that is the case. Yes, I know God provides. I have experienced first hand just how generous is can be, but maybe I am not to go abroad at all. Maybe that is not part of God's plan for the formation of the minister I am to be. Maybe that's why foreign placements do not speak to my heart, as where there's a will, there's a way.

If I could, I would

2011-09-04T08:00:00.003+01:00

Not a good day

2011-09-03T17:13:00.000+01:00

By lunch time today I had been given two items of bad news. Neither were a surprise, but confirmation is not always positive.

On one hand, I was told of a friend who is very ill. Very, very ill and the prognosis isn't great. I was impressed with myself, though (probably bad timing, but never mind). I managed to offer pastoral care to the friend who was telling me this bad news. Only once they were away did I reflect on it for myself and it hit me pretty painfully. My friend and their family will be in many prayers over the coming weeks, of that there is no doubt.

On the other hand, a friend of mine has been treated disgracefully at work and they may have to move city for work again, having only moved last month.

It's not fair. It's just not fair, seeing those I care for in pain. When things like this happens I feel very helpless and wonder what I can do, even through prayer. But I trust God will walk with my friends at this time and they may know and feel God's presence and support in their lives.

Everything is going to be alright. I sincerely hope and pray.

Random Reflections

2011-09-02T11:54:00.000+01:00

I now have a placement sorted. Met with the person who would be my supervisor and we had a good chat for a couple of hours. Still need to draw up my agreement, but it's a step in the right direction.

I had to fill him in on my background. That is a complicated story to everyone but me. It never ceases to amaze me how many people will say something along the lines of "It must have been very difficult for you". I suppose it was, but that was the norm I had so I nothing to compare it with. As I said, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, though there are many, many people who've been through much worse than I have.

It's not long now until uni begins. Freshers' week is only just over a week away. I can't believe it's come round this quickly nor I have been off work for 6 months! Somehow I think the next 3, 4 years are going to go like a flash.

On the way home from conference my lift and I got talking about stipends. It's not a huge wage, on that we did agree. But I did mention it depends what you're used to. I always regarded myself as well paid for what I did, but I have friends who started work 12 years ago on a similar to salary I ended on. If we were in this for the pay, we wouldn't be entering the ministry.

There was something the moderator said which really struck me. It was about leadership. I've no idea quite why it was that, but something almost freaked out. Crazy I know. There are people who think I am a natural leader. Ah, to see myself as others see me. That would be a great gift. I know I need to be a reflective practitioner, but I don't think anyone really sees themselves truly through the eyes of others. Would we like what we saw necessarily? Or would we be surprised by just how lovely we are? I wonder.

It's funny how God can work in your life. After the moderator's session, I had to get out for space. I sat just off a path on my own wondering if I am good enough. If I have the courage to do what God has called me to do. If I have the support and commitment that's needed for all this study and growth. I was doubting myself. As I sat there, I heard a robin off to my right. He came nearer and watched me as I watched him. Robins are my favourite birds as they may be small, but they are brave and loyal and will fight their corner, even against birds much bigger than they are. They are also curious and like people. I suppose I am a bit like that too. I don't know why or how, but something told me the robin was there as a reassurance from God. Everything is going to be alright.

Candidates' conference day 6

2011-09-01T16:26:00.004+01:00

Ah, the last day. To be honest, it was only a half day. It was good to get home yesterday afternoon, as it had been an exhausting, inspiring, enlightening and challenging few days.

Spirituality is something we don't seem to do very well in the Kirk and that was the main presentation of the day. There was much to take from what I learnt in that session, mainly how I may express my spirituality and use that to help (guide, enable) the congregations I will become involved with over the years. One thing I did take away was how much doing things we enjoy and having time for those hobbies can be a spiritual experience and is completely necessary for our welfare - physical, mental and spiritual. So, looks like I'll be taking more photos. I love doing so and I can use them in worship, in the right context. That would be multitasking...

I felt annoyed on behalf of the deacon candidates during the housing and loan session. Okay, so we trainee ministers are encouraged (read told) to look to the future for housing "as circumstances have changed and most ministers have their own houses before coming into the ministry". But there is no provision for deacons. While I know they generally do not get accommodation as part of their role, deacons-in-charge usually live in the manse. That's something which I feel needs addressed. There's my deep sense of fairness coming in.

Reflecting on the worship for the week, I realised I got little from it. Yesterday, the morning devotions seemed to be an advert for the church the chaplain is minister at. It also didn't seem he'd prepared anything, as they powerpoint was out of order and had to be jumped around with. I found this very distracting. I thought it was just me, but chatting to others reveled it wasn't just me.

I think over the last few days, the challenges of the journey I am on really hit home. You want me to lead your people? You want me to form a community of Christ and take that into the community in which I will serve. God, I hope you know what you're doing because sometimes I look around and wonder why me, why not all these other people I know. I find that very, very humbling and the responsibility all a bit daunting.

I know where I go, I go for the sake of Christ. He leads me on and walks beside me. So long as that is the case, everything will be alright. Honest.

Candidates' conference day 5

2011-08-31T08:00:00.007+01:00

Yesterday, I felt weighed down by the enormity of what I was taking on. I know I am called to ministry. I know I am following God's path for me, but is much has gone on over the course of the conference I am wondering if I have really got what it takes.

It really struck home to me when the moderator spoke to us. Different people took different things from that session. I took the importance of good leadership, of building up relationships, of enabling and encouraging others, in and outside the church. It really resonated with me, but I don't know if I have the gifts to do it.

The challenge of compassionate leadership was echoed throughout the day's presentations. The importance of walking with those we will encounter. Of being non judgemental. Of showing God's love in the worst situations humanly imaginable. To say it is an enormous task is an understatement.

I know it is not possible without God with me. I know he leads me where I may not want to go. Yesterday, I felt that's exactly where I am begin led. And it scares me. And that makes me feel inadequate to undertake that task. I just have to remember God will carry me when I am lowest. When I think I can't do it, he will walk beside me.

I just have to keep focusing on what I know. I am on this journey because I trusted God. I must keep trusting and recalling his promise to me. "Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you" (Deuteronomy 31:8).Since I first heard that passage speaking to me, I have held onto the faith God is preparing the way for me and I should not, I will not give up.

Candidates' conference day 4

2011-08-30T20:33:00.000+01:00

The things I got most from, yet found most challenging yesterday, were the presentations from Richard Frazer about the work Greyfrairs church in Edinburgh are doing and that of world mission.

It's amazing to see and think how making links with people in a city and around the world can have such life changing effects. All this through the kirk, both locally and nationally, looking beyond itself. Looking at the bigger picture and showing God's love in action to those who may never come to church. The very types of people who Christ sought out.

I know community based work is something I am increasing feeling called to lead and facilitate. I don't know how that will manifest itself, but I am passionate about the church, and I mean that as the body of Christ, reaching beyond itself. Yet, I find that prospect daunting. I am a very small insignificant person in the life of the church. How can I make a difference? How can I make this part of the church I minister to (if it isn't already part of their mission)?

So many questions. So much to think and reflect on. So I have prayerfully left it in God's hands.

Candidates' conference day 3

2011-08-29T07:32:00.000+01:00

The pace of the conference eased off temporarily yesterday, what with it being a Sunday and all that. We began with a service of communion. It was fairly formal and traditional in style. At least it was nice bread. Very good bread, maybe even from Fishers and Donaldson! I often wonder if it's a terrible thing, while taking communion to have "Oh, rustic seeded bread. This is delicious.". That said, I believe Jesus wants to give us the best, so perhaps communion really should be a symbol of that.

Mission and evangelism was an interesting session. Most people I discussed evangelism with recognised there is a lot of baggage with that word. At it's basic meaning it is the Good News. Such a shame it doesn't feel that way for many, even within the church.

Inter-faith issues. The main thing I took away from that, from the Rabbi who spoke to us, was to know my faith during any dialogue. That will be respected by most of other faiths. From a time I spent in the Edinburgh Central mosque a few years back, I have experienced that to be the case. As the Rabbi was pointing out, he struggles to have these dialogues when those he is speaking with do not seem to adhere to some of the basic tenets of their faith, such as a Church of England priest who didn't believe in life after death. As he put it, that's a pretty important thing for Christianity. If we (of any faith) do not know what we believe, we cannot use that to help others and break down barriers. A very challenging and inspiring session.

The rest of the day was free time. A walk to the beach in the rain with a couple of the candidates was refreshing. I needed to get out and it was good to chat with those in similar situations. I like that sort of sociability.

After dinner, the group got together to be social. That's when I remembered why I think of myself as anti-social. "Please miss, can we not have the piano played so loud you can't have a conversation?" Yes, you are a very good player, but shut the lid. Maybe it's just me, but sociability is being together but not bringing about a situation where everyone does the same thing.

So, too loud music when some people were trying to talk. Then someone produced song sheets. Yes, song sheets. I wondered why this was necessary. "So someone doesn't request a song and we all forget the words". Great, so this is descending into a sing-a-long and it's an all or nothing attitude. It's not I object to a wee bit of a sing-a-long, but don't do it in such a way that the group can't do anything else. It's not anti-social some singing while others listen and//or chat and feel they can join in if and when they feel comfortable. It is anti-social when that is what is happening.

What made it worse was the choice of songs. "I will survive" being regarded as an uplifting one. When I commented "Sitting at the dock of the bay" was a bit morose, I was told I was wrong. HAVE YOU NOT ACTUALLY LISTENED TO THE WORDS? "Feel like I've got nothing to live for and nothings going to bring me back home". Yes, that's really,. really uplifting. Grrr.

It's while "I will survive" was being sung I recalled when at uni the first time round, I would get royally drunk to give my confidence when I was in larger groups and it was the group mentality. Really, I was shy and uncomfortable there, but didn't have the knowledge of myself or confidence to walk away. Last night I finished my pint and headed for bed. And I feel much better for the rest, though I'm not looking forward to tomorrow night's "social night" if yesterday was anything to go by. Each to their own, but I don't go with the herd anymore.

It looks like it's going to be a beautiful day today. Now, I'm going to get ready for breakfast.

Candidates' conference day 2

2011-08-28T21:47:00.000+01:00

Yesterday was an intensive day. With safeguarding training all morning and reflections/talks on justice, peace and liberation theology. Fortunately, while the non-newbie candidates were arriving, there was an afternoon break. I headed for a walk and a trip around the McTaggart exhibition at the St Andrews' museum.

There was a lot to take in yesterday and I know it will take a long time to process. It's interesting and exciting getting to know my fellow candidates and learn their varying theologies. I know I am just forming some of them and I will change and grow in them over time. Who knows where that may lead.

I also went for a 6:30am walk/run yesterday morning. That was a shock on 2 levels. Out for a walk that early in the morning AND running. I need to do something to burn off the energy.

Candidate conference day 1

2011-08-28T07:33:00.000+01:00

Spot had been on holiday all week, so drove me to my first conference. That was handy, as I did turn up with more than I would have if I'd travelled with public transport. I was almost late, as we couldn't find his house keys.

The first day was pretty intensive. Lots of new people to meet and get to know; many things to learn. It's little wonder candidates have fallen asleep during sessions, given the intensity of things here.

I realised I'm maybe not as uncomfortable with new people as I used to be. Maybe I've never been too bad, or perhaps this is a gift which is growing in me. Or t may be the simple fact we are all in this together. We may have different backgrounds and experiences, but we are all starting on our ministries to which God has called us.

I had heard cliques can form. I understand groups of individuals will be drawn together for reasons including the university they will be studying at, their ministry (diaconal, word and sacrament, ordained local ministry). I have tried to avoid being drawn, though that will become more difficult as I get to know my colleagues. As part of this, I've been trying to sit with different people at the sessions and meals. Okay, it's only the first day, but others stories and experiences are amazing and encouraging. I pray mine are too.

The speech training was interesting. Maybe I have a strange sense of humour, but there were some jokes the session leader made I just didn't find funny; the rest of the group were ending themselves. I think I've been noticed for that, but I'm not one to go with the crowd.

During that session, we were to practice using or diaphragms. That was okay until we were made, sorry, asked to face the wall. I felt 5, 6 years old and remembered vividly the humiliation of a teacher doing that to me, just because she didn't like me. So, the laughing-it-off defence mechanism kicked in. I kept corpsing. Eventually, I was almost getting it together when someone suggested we sounded like bagpipes. That was me, I lost it. Lesson, don't face the wall and go to your own place with no one around to practice.

Following the last session and prayers, I was chatting with two of my diaconal colleagues. One kept glancing at my scar on my shoulder. I didn't know whether to say something or wait to see it she asked. I waited. I'm still waiting. I have got over my self consciousness about it. I'm quite proud of it, as it is part of me. But please, please ask me. I think it was bothering you more than me. And remember, or think, just think, how you may make a parishioner feel if you did that to them.

At the end of the day, I didn't just head to bed. Big mistake. I chatted with some colleagues for an hour or so and that woke me up a bit much. Consequently, I haven't slept very well. Today is going to be tough, even with the afternoon break.

He's back

2011-08-27T08:00:00.001+01:00

At 19:10 tonight. And I am at candidates' conference. There's always iplayer.

Where's WALLE?

2011-08-26T08:00:00.000+01:00

Industrial revolutions

2011-08-25T07:49:00.001+01:00

I saw this on Stewart Culter's blog and had to share here. That riding is just like bow ties and fezzes...